A Diamond in a Rhinestone World
by TwinkLoverXO
Summary: James is having trouble seeing how beautiful he is, and Kendall is ready to show him. Warnings: anorexia/bulimia, may be triggering, Kames Slash. Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

James had a problem; a big problem. He had always been obsessed with his looks. But this? This was too much.

It had all started about four months ago. Jo had just arrived at the Palm Woods, and Kendall seemed absolutely crazy about her from the second they met. James had been crushed. The night the two became official was the night that he threw all caution to the wind and got absolutely smashed. And the same thing happened the next night and the night after that. Soon all James did was drink, sleep, and record in the studio at Rocque Records.

But one day, about a month later, he took a look in the mirror. For the first time since he'd lost his baby fat, James felt incredibly unattractive. His abs had completely lost their definition and were replaced by what James saw as a layer of fat. Even though he had only gained about ten pounds, he ignored the facts and dropped his new drinking habit that very second. From then on, he stopped eating.

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><p>The four of them were sitting around the television with popcorn and empty cans of soda on the floor: the picture of a typical Saturday night for the Minnesota boys. Logan had forced them all to watch "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and was staring intently at the screen, occasionally tossing some popcorn into his mouth. Carlos and Kendall had laughed during almost every serious or intense moment of the movie. If they were trying to totally piss Logan off, it was working.<p>

James was curled up on the couch, hugging his knees. This was his third day in a row of eating absolutely nothing. It was definitely catching up with him. He felt incredibly lightheaded, even just lounging on the couch.

Kendall was sneaking glances at James every so often. He was struck with the urge to protect his friend. James didn't look so good, and that was a clear indication that something was definitely wrong. Afterall, when did he ever not look gorgeous?

Although James didn't look well, Kendall was hesitant to say anything. James never liked to admit it when something was wrong, he hated feeling weak or letting people see him break down.

But when he started visibly shaking, Kendall decided that he had to do something. He let out a deep sigh and made quickly slid close to James on the couch. In return, the pretty boy scooted a bit toward him, close enough so that their knees were touching. Kendall felt a rush of excitement, and when James' hand just barely grazed his knee, he got chills. Feeling the need to be closer to the pretty boy, Kendall slipped an arm around his shoulders. He pulled James close and lightly rubbed at his shoulder.

Kendall had always been pretty attracted to James. He really didn't like to think about it. He knew that girls just didn't do it for him, so he threw himself into his singing and focused most of his energy on Big Time Rush. But being this close to James... he was getting an adrenaline rush.

Kendall drew in a sharp breath when he felt James' head on his chest. He felt eyes on him after a little while and looked down. James' gaze didn't have the sparkle it usually held, but Kendall was still struck with how perfect he was. They held eye contact for a little while, a smile tugging at Kendall's lips. James blushed and looked down. He bit his lip and Kendall felt a wave of adrenaline pass through him again.

"You okay?" he asked, nudging James a little bit. James hesitated, but eventually nodded. Kendall wasn't buying it. The guy was shaking. And on top of that, he had lost so much weight in the past couple of months. But Kendall decided not to press the issue. He knew it wouldn't help anything. James had too much pride to open up about it, especially when he seemed so vulnerable. Kendall cautiously ran a hand through James' hair. When there was no objection, he continued stroking soothingly at the soft locks. James hummed quietly in contentment. He was basking in the feeling of being touched, of somebody coddling him.

The two of them stayed like that for the rest of the movie, James occasionally running his fingers up and down Kendall's arm and to his neck. It seemed like every little touch from James gave Kendall goosebumps.

When the movie finally ended, Logan and Carlos stood up and stretched. Logan immediately began scolding Carlos for his constant laughter throughout the movie. They walked down the hallway together, arguing the whole way, and slipped into the room they shared.

Kendall awkwardly shifted on the couch, wondering what would happen next. James sat still for a few moments before he slowly pushed himself to his feet.

"Bed time," he mumbled, scratching his neck and dragging himself down the hall and into his and Kendall's room.

Kendall sighed loudly. How was James doing this to him? He was usually able to push these feelings away; the butterflies when James stood close to him, that surge of jealousy that came over him whenever he saw James flirting with some girl.

Kendall definitely had a weakness for the beautiful boy. He'd had it for years. James was always in the back of his mind. But just recently, Kendall had found himself absolutely mesmerized by him. And he had no idea what he was going to do about it.

Everybody woke up early the following morning to hang out at the pool. Carlos had cooked up some crazy scheme in an attempt to get attention, good or bad, from the Jennifers. Logan doubted how successful the plan would turn out and was going to join Carlos on his mission, with the soul purpose of proving him wrong.

As Kendall, Logan, and Carlos bustled around the suite, James lay in bed watching. He didn't have enough energy to so much as sit up in his bed. He was still running on empty; this was his fourth day without eating. He stared through half-lidded bloodshot eyes as Kendall pushed through the door to their room and started rummaging through one of the dressers.

"Dammit," Kendall muttered under his breath. James blinked at Kendall and watched him search every drawer thoroughly until he had finally decided that he couldn't find what he was looking for. He sighed loudly and then shouted, for the entire suite to hear, "James, what did you do with my plaid shirt?"

"Nothing," James croaked from the bed. Kendall whirled around, looking more than a little surprised. "It's hanging in your closet. Where I found it."

"Sorry, man. I didn't realize you were still in here," Kendall said. He took a few steps toward the bed and continued, "If I'd known that you were sleeping, I wouldn't have been so fucking loud."

"It's cool," James laughed weakly. He still felt completely drained, but what would it help if he just stayed in bed instead of going to the pool with the guys? It would only make them wonder. And assume. And neither of those would be very good. So he forced himself out of bed and pulled on swim trunks. He left on the shirt he'd slept in and grabbed some sunglasses, walking out the door right behind Kendall.

Carlos and Logan ran off as soon as they arrived at the pool area, eager to put their plan into action. Kendall wandered over to one of the plastic chairs and dropped his stuff to the side of it. He plopped down on the chair and smiled at James.

"You doing okay?" he asked. "You seemed a little sick last night."

"I guess I'm fine." James shrugged. "It's just… you're going to think it's so weird."

"James, you know I'd never judge you, right? I want to know what's going on. I care about you." Kendall leaned toward James and placed a hand on his arm. James took a deep breath.

"Okay, well… you're right. I was kind of sick last night. Still am. I feel like shit, man. And…"

"Kendall!" a flinty female voice interrupted. Both boys turned in the direction it was coming from, seeing Jo walk toward them. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" James' face fell. It was hard enough for him to open up, and it really made him upset that he had been about to, and _she_ had interrupted. Kendall glanced at James, silently asking permission. James stared at the ground and nodded. His friend jumped to his feet and walked off with Jo without a second thought.

It's not that James was mad at Kendall. Sure, he was a little miffed because he had just left when James was finally about to open up. It made him feel unimportant. But what really got him was the fact that Kendall had left for Jo. He was crushed. James knew it was a little stupid. Who was he kidding? Kendall was straight. But last night had left him with a glimmer of hope. Kendall and Jo weren't a couple anymore. Nobody was standing in the way. But now Kendall's priorities, who he cared about more, had been made completely clear. Any hope James had was now shattered. Plus, what had Jo wanted to talk about? Couples got back together all the time. If there was something between the two again... James didn't know what he would do. It would absolutely break his heart.

He sighed heavily and leaned back in the plastic chair he was sitting in. He suddenly felt a stabbing pain in his stomach, and he curled up on the chair as discreetly as he possibly could. He squeezed his eyes shut and willed the pain away. He knew that it was only a matter of time until he had to eat—but when he did, it would probably make him sick because of how long he'd gone without eating. James finally decided that if he was going to eat, it would be better if he did it by himself so the guys wouldn't watch him. He slowly brought himself to his feet, hugging his arms around his stomach. He took slow and deliberate steps toward the door leading to the hotel lobby. James had never felt this sick before. He felt weaker with every step.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, James wondered why nobody seemed to notice how much he was struggling just to get to the lobby. It made him feel even more worthless than he already did. He obviously didn't matter as much as the guys let on if they cared more about girls and childish schemes than their friend's wellbeing.

After what seemed like hours of effort, James finally stumbled into apartment 2J. Kendall's mother was sitting on the couch reading a magazine. She glanced up upon hearing the door open.

"Good morning, sweetheart," Mrs. Knight said distractedly. James' heart sank. Not even the woman who was practically his second mother noticed that something was wrong.

"Morning," came his quiet reply. James went straight to Kendall's and his room. He pulled off his swim trunks and stepped into a pair of boxers, then hopped into bed. He couldn't eat just yet, not with Mrs. Knight there. So he just laid in bed. Eventually his eyes fluttered closed and he was about to fall asleep when Kendall burst through the bedroom door.

"James," he said, rushing to the bed James was in and sitting on the edge. "I'm sorry I didn't follow you up here right away. I had to say goodbye to Jo. But are you okay? I saw you leaving and you looked pretty sick."

"I was going to tell you before," James said quietly.

"I know, I'm really sorry about that. Jo had to ask me something." Kendall laid down on his back next to James and crossed his arms behind his head.

"What did she want to ask you?"

"Oh, she just wanted to know if I could help her practice for an audition. Since I have experience with Gustavo and everything," Kendall shrugged. James turned to look at him.

"That's all?" he asked. He couldn't hide his obvious grin.

"Yeah," Kendall smiled. He climbed under the covers with his friend. "But anyway, talk to me. Are you sick?"

"A little," came James' reply. He squirmed a bit when he realized that Kendall was under the covers in him, and he was wearing only his boxers on bottom. Despite being driven to open up about his problem earlier in the day, he shut himself up. Kendll frowned.

"Wasn't there something you were going to tell me about that earlier?"

"No," James lied. Kendall wasn't buying it. He moved closer to his friend and snuggled up to him slightly, grabbing one of his hands and intertwining their fingers. James gave him a sad smile and cradled Kendall's hand against his chest. Kendall couldn't deny how James made him feel. It scared him, a lot. But he couldn't lie to himself any longer. He definitely had feelings for the pretty boy. Strong feelings.

"Kendall," James said suddenly.

"Mmhm?" came the reply.

"Thank you for caring about me." He cuddled up even closer to Kendall and laid his head on his friend's chest like he had the night before.

"No problem," Kendall smiled. "And… do you want something to eat?" James hesitated, biting his lip. He'd done so well these past couple of days. Did he really want to ruin it because he didn't feel well? After all, some said that pain is simply weakness leaving the body. But what's the point of being thin if you're dead?

"Yeah," he said finally. Kendall nodded and gently pulled away. He stood up slowly and stretched, then headed for the kitchen.

"I'll be right there," James said. He hurriedly pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and raced to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. If he hadn't lost weight after fasting for almost four whole days, he was going to freak out. James grabbed the scale from under the sink and placed it in front of the mirror.

This was a moment that could make or break his whole week. Though he'd never really believed in a higher power, James prayed to God that he at least hadn't gained any weight. He took a few deep breaths before finally stepping on the scale.

James looked down: 132. He had lost 5 pounds.

"James, what are you doing?" Kendall called from the kitchen. James froze.

"Just… had to pee," he answered, scrambling to put away the scale and then joining Kendall in the kitchen. James watched him stirring something in a pot and moved to peer over his shoulder to see what it was. Elbow macaroni.

"Macaroni and cheese?" James asked, horrified.

"Yeah, is there a problem?" Kendall laughed. "You love mac and cheese."

"No, I just… I was just checking." James was at war here. He knew he had to eat something. He could get seriously sick if he didn't; what if he passed out? Then they'd take him to the hospital or something, and everybody would know his secret. But he'd just lost 5 pounds. Did he really want to undo all that progress by eating this? James wandered over to the kitchen table and plopped down at his designated spot.

Kendall finished stirring and poured some of the mac and cheese into a bowl before setting it on the table in front of his friend and sitting down next to him.

"Aren't you going to eat, too?" James demanded.

"Did you want me to?" Kendall asked cautiously. When a vigorous nod was the reply, he sighed and stood up from the table to pour some for himself. There was definitely something weird going on here. When he thought about it, he hadn't seen James eat in days. And now that he was eating, he was acting all skittish.

When Kendall sat back down next to James, he placed a hand on his friend's back and rubbed small circles. James' eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into Kendall.

"That feels good," he said quietly. Kendall smiled.

"You going to eat soon?" he asked. James made an incoherent whine and Kendall laughed to himself. "Okay, that's it. I'm feeding you."

He scooped up some macaroni and cheese with the spoon and brought it to James' mouth. "Open wide." James slowly opened his mouth and Kendall shoved the spoon in right away.

"Mmmph!"

"Eat it!" Kendall yelled jokingly. James finally relaxed and started eating a little bit. He allowed himself to eat half the bowl before standing up to get a glass of water.

"I'm done," he said quietly.

"Are you sure?" Kendall glanced down at the bowl. "There's a lot left."

"Yeah."

"Okay, well… at least you ate a little bit. Do you still feel sick?" he asked. James nodded slowly. "Maybe you should go lay down again." Kendall took James' half-empty bowl and his forgotten, heaping one up to the sink. He then walked over to James and slowly led him to the couch. "I'll put a movie on or something."

"Can you sit with me?" James asked quickly.

"Of course," Kendall smiled. "Now what do you want to watch?"

Just then, Carlos and Logan burst through the front door, Logan practically doubling over with laughter. Carlos was glaring at him.

"It's really not that funny," he grumbled.

"Are you kidding?" Logan howled, slapping Carlos on the back. "You're lucky to be alive right now!"

"Shut up!" Carlos stomped his foot and crossed his arms over his chest.

Kendall raised an eyebrow, amused. "What happened down there?"

"Carlos tried the absolute _cheesiest_ pickup lines on the Jennifers... I guess he didn't know about their new boyfriends: 240 pound stunt doubles for some action movie."

Kendall guffawed, "How'd you get out of there without getting demolished, Carlitos?"

Carlos and Logan looked at Kendall, then back at each other. "Freight Train," they said in unison.

"But Carlos didn't get away without the stunt doubles using some..." Logan feigned a cough, "choice words."

James couldn't hold back his laughter any longer. His friends had some way of making him feel better when it seemed like nothing could. Kendall glanced over at James and was ecstatic to see him laughing and smiling. He sat down next to him on the couch and slung an arm around him. Logan looked at the two and raised an eyebrow at James' obvious flaming red cheeks. He drilled holes in Carlos with his eyes. Carlos narrowed his eyes at Logan, unable to figure out what his friend was trying to tell him. Logan shook his head and mouthed 'later.'

Kendall, apparently oblivious to being watched, leaned in closer to James and poked his perfect, sculpted nose. James casually placed a hand on his friend's knee and Kendall visibly shivered.

"We'll be right back," Logan said hurriedly as he pulled Carlos into the kitchen.

"What?" the shorter boy asked, confused.

"Didn't you see them in there? James was red in the face and Kendall was being all mushy... kind of like how he used to act with Jo? I mean, really. They're being all touchy-feely and James had his hand on Kendall's knee, and- " he shook his head. "Okay, I saw them cuddling last night during Planet of the Apes. Kendall was playing with James' hair and had his arm around him. I didn't want to assume anything, but now I'm thinking that there might be something going on here."

Carlos' big brown eyes were wide open and he stared at Logan in disbelief. "You're not trying to say that James and Kendall... that James likes... that Kendall's trying to..." he sputtered.

"Yes!" Logan urged, gripping both of Carlos' shoulders. "I mean, I don't want to jump to any conclusions. Sure, James is kind of feminine. Okay, really feminine. But the way he chases everything with a vagina... I never would have guessed that he's into guys at all. And Kendall... That'd be an even bigger shocker. He seemed so crazy about Jo. We had to practically drag him out of bed in the morning after they broke up."

"So maybe you_ are_ assuming too much," Carlos offered. "Barely anything happened. James seems sick lately, anyways. Maybe Kendall's just being a good friend."

"Yeah, a _really_ good friend..." Logan scoffed. Carlos punched him lightly in the arm.

"Hey, these are our best friends, okay? We're not supposed to be judging them."

The taller boy sighed and looked to his feet. "Yeah, you're right. I kind of am assuming too much. Thanks for keeping me in line, buddy," he smiled. Carlos smiled back, but then his face got serious.

"Do I have permission to bring this up with Kendall?"

An excited smile creeped onto Logan's face. "Hell yes! You pry like you've never pried before, got it?"

"Definitely," Carlos grinned.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! I just wanted to say thank you for the feedback and story alerts! I really hope you guys are liking this. I'm having a ball writing it! ^_^ The Kames fluff and crap is coming veeery soon, so stay tuned! Enjoy.**

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><p>It had been a tough day, to say the least. Gustavo had forced them all into a cramped room with Mr. X to learn new choreography. For hours. Although James appreciated the physical activity, he was exhausted. To say the least, he hadn't had much to eat that day: an apple and a couple of crackers. But doing that wasn't enough. It was never enough.<p>

Now that it was nearing the end of the day, James was starting to lose his cool. Gustavo had started telling them about a new song they would be singing. From what he was hearing, James _hated_ it.

"It's called 'Princess'." Gustavo told them. "It's about a spoiled, controlling girlfriend that you just can't bear to get rid of because you love her so much." The larger-than-life producer flailed around to emphasize what he was saying. James rolled his eyes.

"Umm, I don't want to cause trouble here, but why do all our songs have to be about girls?" Kendall asked. Gustavo whirled around and pointed at him.

"Dog: quiet! I've stopped using the word 'girl' in song titles. That's going to have to be enough!"

"I kind of agree with Kendall," James spoke up. "There's more to our lives than girls." At that, everybody gasped and stared at him like he was growing a third eye.

"James..." Logan said, incredulous. "Did you really just say that?"

"Yeah, I did," he snapped. "I know sometimes I act like girls are all that matters, but..." But that's just what it was. An act.

"Okay, so that settles it," Gustavo interrupted. "We're singing 'Princess'."

James tossed his hands up, defeated and clearly pissed off, and left the room. Kendall looked at Logan, then Carlos, then Logan again.

"What just happened?" Logan asked.

"Who cares?" Gustavo boomed. "We'll worry about him later! The rest of you: Vocals. Now."

"No!" Kendall stepped forward. Gustavo's eyes widened and his face turned absolutely crimson. Before Kendall could lose his ambition, he continued. "I have to go see if James is okay."

"You can talk to him when we're finished," Gustavo said measuredly through gritted teeth.

"But it's really not like him to lose his cool. Something's got to be wrong." Carlos and Logan glanced at each other. Kendall kind of had a point. But truthfully, he was the only one brave enough to say anything.

Gustavo pounded both fists on the equipment in front of him and stood up abruptly. He began pacing around the room. Kelly sighed and grabbed the microphone, speaking into it, "Kendall, I know you're just being a good friend. But we're under a lot of pressure right now. Griffin wants this song done in three days. It won't take too long, okay?"

Kendall thought about it for a moment and finally nodded. "Okay. Let's hurry up and finish, then."

A couple of hours later, Logan, Kendall, and Carlos returned to apartment 2J. They were all just as exhausted and miffed as James had been earlier, completely worn out from the hours of nonstop practice.

Although Kendall was in an absolutely horrible mood, all he could think about was James' outburst earlier. It bothered him so much. But it also got him thinking: why did singing specifically about girls bother James so much? And what the hell had he meant when he said that girls weren't the only things that mattered to him? All Kendall knew was that he had to go talk to his friend right away. Obviously something was really wrong.

Kendall made his way down the hall and went to turn the knob on the door to James' and his room. He sighed in defeat when he realized that the door was locked.

"Open up, buddy. I want to talk to you," he said firmly, with a light knock on the door.

"I really don't want to talk," came James' muffled reply.

"Come on, please? Something's obviously wrong and I just want to help."

There was a slight shuffling noise and for a moment Kendall thought that James was going to open the door. His heart sank when the room fell silent again. Kendall hated that James didn't want to open up to him about this. He had always thought that they told each other everything. But maybe James had always been holding back. He definitely had been lately.

"Fine," Kendall sighed, giving up. "Yell if you need anything." He didn't mean to sound so pissed off, but frankly, he was pissed off. James and his pride.

About an hour later, James sighed and heaved himself up from where he was laying on his bed. The room had faded into darkness as he laid there thinking, daydreaming. Looking at the clock, James realized how long he'd actually been in his room. He finally decided that he'd had enough downtime after the band's session with Mr. X that day. He made his way into the kitchen to see Kendal, Logan, and Carlos sitting around the dinner table eating Chinese takeout.

"Dude, you have to try these egg rolls. They're seriously the best egg rolls I've ever had," Kendall advised James.

The brunette glanced around the room in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Kendall. "I'm not hungry," he said quietly. Kendall sat there dumbfounded as James pulled a box of tea out of the cupboard.

"You like live on green tea," Kendall snapped, rolling his eyes. James ignored the comment and continued milling around the kitchen. Kendall spoke up again, "Seriously, why won't you eat?"

"I'm honestly just not hungry," James shrugged.

"Okay," Kendall gave in grudgingly, still not completely convinced. James sighed and propped himself up against the counter.

He was definitely glad that Kendall cared enough to have noticed how little he was eating lately. No matter how fucked up it was, James couldn't ignore his crush on the guy. He was basically perfect. Kendall always kept his cool, no matter what. And when everybody else fell apart, he pulled them all back together.

But thinking about his crush just made James feel even more depressed. He felt unworthy of even thinking these things about Kendall, much less hoping that he had any sort of chance.

The harsh sound of the microwave beeping brought James back to reality. He opened the door and grabbed the mug of hot water, dropping a tea bag in and grabbing a seat at the table with the guys. James regretted it as soon as he sat down. The smell of the Chinese food was _so_ tempting. And it got worse when Kendall slid the heaping carton of orange chicken toward James. Kendall knew all of his friend's weaknesses.

"Eat," he said firmly, watching James' every move. The brunette gulped visibly and stared down at the carton. He was so hungry that it hurt. He knew how much he'd regret it if he ate, but this time, he just couldn't stop himself. James picked up a fork that was on the table and began shoveling the orange chicken into his mouth. Soon he was grabbing at other cartons on the table, Carlos and Logan laughing the whole time.

"Look at him go!" Carlos cheered.

"Damn, he's almost as good as you!" Logan poked his friend in the side.

Carlos winked. "Almost."

But Kendall didn't laugh. He didn't smile. He was shocked. James had already eaten more in the past few minutes than Kendall had seen him eat in the past few months. A sickening thought came to him, but he shoved it to the back of his mind. He'd heard about something like this before. Having strange eating habits. Losing large amounts of weight in a short period of time. Eating unusually large amounts of food, and quickly. Kendall didn't want to admit to himself that it was even a possibility for his best friend to have an eating disorder.

Soon James began to slow down, before eventually dropping his fork and chugging the green tea that he'd forgotten about.

"James, dude," Carlos wiggled his eyebrows. "I've got to say; that was impressive." James forced a smile and quickly excused himself, mumbling something about wanting to change into sweats.

He walked as quickly as he could to the bathroom, desperately hoping he wasn't being too obvious. When he was finally in the bathroom, he shut and locked the door. James sank against the wall and allowed himself to slide to the ground. He hugged his knees to his chest and began to cry.

It had happened again. He just couldn't take the pain anymore. He had been absolutely starving, and he had known that that time, green tea alone just wasn't going to cut it.

Now here he was, sobbing so violently that he was practically gasping for breath. It was back: the overwhelming urge, the one that came every time James lost control and binged. He stood up uneasily and headed toward the sink. It was a few moments before the pretty boy looked in the mirror. An intense panic began consuming his thoughts and soon his heart was racing and he broke out in a cold sweat. What if he had gotten even fatter? He didn't think he could take it if he had. James decided that he'd better just suck it up and take a quick look. Like ripping off a band-aid. Squeezing his eyes shut, he pulled his shirt up over his stomach.

Finally, James opened his eyes. The once perfectly pink-tinged cheeks went ghostly white. James had never hated his reflection in the mirror quite as much as he did right then. With an eerie emptiness in his eyes, jaw set in determination, he made a swift movement toward the toilet and knelt in front of it. With absolutely no hesitation, perfectly groomed fingers were jammed down a throat already raw from uncountable similar occurances. Tears pricked the corners of James' eyes and soon all the color had rushed back into his face. Veins protruded from his neck as he heaved the contents of his stomach into the toilet in front of him.

Suddenly, there was a sharp rap on the door that made James freeze like a deer in the headlights. He was slightly relieved when he remembered that the door was locked. But still. It was incredibly likely that whoever had knocked on the door had heard. James didn't say a word; he just sat frozen, gripping onto the sides of the toilet for dear life. The knock came again.

"What," James answered sharply. There was a long pause and finally an answer came.

"James." It was Kendall. James cursed under his breath. Of everybody in their apartment that it could have been, it had the be the one that would, without a doubt, say something about what he had heard.

When there was no reply, Kendall spoke up again. "Let me in, okay?" His tone was curt and it clearly wasn't a question, but an order. But there was a sort of softness in his voice that made James feel slightly better about knowing that he had to open the door. With an enormous sigh, he pushed himself to his feet and hastily wiped away the tears that had strayed down his cheeks. He unlocked the door and opened it a crack. Kendall was staring expectantly, one eyebrow raised. James couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. He realized with horror that he hadn't flushed the toilet, and his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"Can you please go away?" James whispered, feeling tears coming and willing them away with everything he had.

"James," Kendall said desperately. He took a step forward. "Please don't push me away. Tell me what's going on. Please." A few tears silently ran down James' cheek and he nodded slowly.

"Give me a second," he whispered. After shutting the door, he flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth out. "Okay," James said when he opened the door. Kendall had a gentle, concerned expression on his face that made James relax a little bit. He followed his best friend into their bedroom and watched as he shut the door behind them. Kendall sat down on his bed.

"Come sit with me?" he asked softly. James obeyed, sinking down next to his friend. Kendall immediately placed a hand on the back of James' neck and ran his fingers through his hair. James shivered. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Kendall never taking his attention off of James. He continued playing with his friend's hair and intertwined their fingers with his other hand, James' tears falling silently.

"You ready to talk?" Kendall pressed gently.

"Well," James whispered. He paused to let his sobs calm a bit. "I have a problem. Obviously. I mean... you heard everything, didn't you?" He met Kendall's gentle gaze. Kendall nodded slowly and drew the brunette closer. A sob wretched through James and he gasped out, "I hate myself so much," squeezing Kendall's hand painfully hard.

Kendall's eyes widened and he murmured a slur of, "No, no, James," pulling him into his lap. He had never thought of himself as being very sensitive or comforting, and he was surprising himself with how gentle he was being. James was hiccuping and gasping and Kendall held him even tighter. He could feel James' hot tears against his neck and it broke his heart. How could James see himself as anything but perfect? He was gorgeous. Everything about him.

"Kendall," James said quietly. The blond pulled back a bit to look his friend in the eyes.

"Yes?"

"I'm so fucked up..." James shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears leaking out anyway.

"You're not," Kendall said right away. "Don't ever think that. You know how common it is for people to have... a problem like that." He didn't know why, but he just couldn't bring himself to say the word bulimia. Maybe it would have just made it all seem too real. He would have much preferred telling himself that James was okay, and that he didn't have a single problem.

James shook his head quickly. "No, not because of that. I mean, yeah, that definitely adds to it. But..." he stopped. "You're going to fucking hate me if I tell you. You'll never want to talk to me again, and I can't blame you for that. Because I'm such a fucking freak." James wasn't crying anymore. His tears were replaced by a seriousness that scared Kendall. His face was eerily deadpan.

"I swear on my life," Kendall said slowly and evenly, "that nothing could ever make me stop being your friend. And I am absolutely _positive_ that whatever secret you have isn't as weird as you think it is."

"I'm gay," James said, gaze fixed straight ahead, staring at nothing. Kendall's eyes widened and he glanced down at James, his heart speeding up to what he was sure was a detrimentally fast pace. He suddenly got the urge to kiss James, feel those famous abs, run his hands up his thighs; to _touch_ him. He took in a slow breath through his nose and took in James' sweet scent: the fresh, laundered essence James always had when his Cuda Man Spray wore off, or on the rare occasion that he didn't use it.

Kendall was shaken out of his thoughts when James sighed loudly and pulled away from him. "Told you I'm fucked up," he concluded, standing up.

"N-No, don't go!" Kendall said in a haste, his eyes widening, and he quickly wrapped his arms around James and pulled him back down... accidentally pulling his crush directly onto his lap.

"Oh, wow, I'm sorry..." he mumbled. He pulled his arms off of James so that he could leave, but James didn't get up. Instead he took Kendall's arms and draped them back around himself, leaning his head back onto Kendall's shoulder. James quickly recovered from his sudden wave of solemnity and was back to feeling extremely self-conscious and vulnerable.

Realizing he'd been given a second chance, Kendall spoke up quickly. "That's not fucked up. At all. You'd be surprised how many people are actually gay, but just don't have the balls to admit it to anyone. Or to themselves, for that matter. Please don't hate yourself, okay? You're so beautiful..."

James had to admit, Kendall's comment made him feel quite a bit better. At least he knew that his best friend wasn't going anywhere, even after hearing such taboo and shocking things. He smiled as he remembered a quote he had once heard, _"A best friend is someone who knows all about you, and likes you anyways."_ James definitely felt more at peace. "Thank you," he said quietly.

Kendall answered, "Of course," voice just as soft as his friend's had been. His heart was still racing and he was absolutely at war with himself. Kendall wanted more than anything to tell James exactly how he felt, hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. That he would make it okay. He'd protect James and catch him every time he fell. But he knew that this wasn't exactly the right time. Although it would probably relieve James to hear that he definitely wasn't the only one who wasn't into girls, bombarding him with a confession like that would just add to James' stress and give him one more thing to think about, to worry about. So Kendall decided to hold off on confessing his feelings for James for now.

The two of them sat huddled together for a while. James had made himself comfortable and tucked his head into the crook of Kendall's neck, occasionally feeling the blonde's hair tickle his forehead. His eyes were getting heavy and when Kendall felt that James was practically limp in his arms, he slowly and tenderly scooted back on the bed and laid the gorgeous brunette boy down. James cracked an eye open to see what was going on and Kendall whispered a soft, "Shh, you can sleep. It's okay." James slowly allowed himself to sink into the pillow and shut his eyes.

Kendall sat next to his friend on the bed and lovingly rubbed his back, getting up to leave as quietly as he could as soon as he knew that James was asleep.

* * *

><p>For the next few days, Kendall and James were inseperable. Carlos and Logan quickly noticed and decided to go through with their idea to ask about what was going on between the two. It was decided that becase of Logan's more serious nature and his therapist-like ability to make people feel comfortable, he, rather than Carlos, would confront Kendall.<p>

Logan stuck his head into Kendall's and James' room and gently knocked on the open door. James was cuddled up to Kendall, fast asleep. The blond looked toward the door and smiled at Logan, pausing his gentle stroking of James' hair.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Logan asked. Kendall nodded and carefully removed himself from under James. He followed Logan out the door and into the living room. They sat down on the couch and Kendall snuck a questioning look at the his friend.

What's up?" the confused blond asked. Logan took a deep breath, hoping to God that he had chosen the right way to approach this.

"Carlos and I are worried about James," he began. Kendall furrowed his brows.

"Why?" he asked slowly.

"Kendall, come on. He's lost _so_ much weight. And he's just not himself anymore. We can't just avoid this."

The blond nodded after a while. Logan paused, staring intently at the boy in front of him, who was blatantly avoiding eye contact.

"Has he said anything to you?" he asked gently. "I mean, you guys have gotten pretty close lately. You're together all the he's opened up to you about something, or you've opened up to him..."

That was what made Kendall freeze. "Okay, Logan, you can stop bullshitting now. Will you please just cut to the chase?" The brunette felt his cheeks flush a bit at getting caught. But he still had a chance to get at least some information out of his friend.

"Do you have feelings for James?" he asked softly, trying his best not to sound too accusing.

Kendall visibly deflated. He chewed at his bottom lip and stayed silent for a while, but was grateful that Logan was being patient with him.

Finally, the blond opened his mouth and said slowly and measuredly, "Please don't tell anyone."

Even though Logan had predicted that there was something going on between the two, he still felt a bit shocked that it had just been confirmed. "I won't," he smiled at Kendall. "But I really think you should tell him."

"He's way too good for me," the blond said right away, shaking his head furiously. "He doesn't need me. Or want me, for that matter."

"I would be willing to bet that he does." Logan stood up, not wanting to put Kendall through any more of this excruciating little chat. "See you, man," he gave a short wave and headed for Carlos' room.

Kendall didn't get much sleep that night. He couldn't stop thinking about what Logan had said to him. Maybe confessing his feelings to James wasn't such a shot in the dark. Afterall, he had admitted to being gay.


	3. Chapter 3

When the blond woke up the next day, James' bed was empty. He laughed to himself and shook his head, struck by how crazy he was about James. Looking at the clock, Kendall realized just how late he'd slept in. It was almost 11:00. He climbed out of bed and pulled open the blinds of the enormous windows in the bedroom. There was a perfect view of the pool from Kendall's and James' room, and just as Kendall suspected, Carlos and Logan were lounging by the pool. He laughed to himself when he saw Katie, who appeared to be having some sort of argument with Mr. Bitters.

But where was James? He hadn't slept in and he wasn't with Logan and Carlos. Kendall didn't quite know why, but he knew that something was wrong. He could _feel_ it. The terrified boy bolted out of his room and into the hallway, where he stopped abruptly.

"James!" Kendall shouted. He stood silently for a moment and listened intently for any stirring in the apartment.

And then he heard it. Muffled coughing, wheezing. Gagging.

Kendall wasn't aware he could move as fast as he did after that. But before he could blink an eye, he had darted toward the bathroom, absolutely positive now that James was in there.

He tried the doorknob, and it came as no surprise when he heard the devastating click, indicating that the door was locked.

"James!" he yelled again. Kendall was trying as hard as he could to keep his composure. But he panicked when he heard more violent wretching, followed by a _thump,_ indicating that something had just hit the floor.

"James!" he cried. "Open the fucking door, please!"

"Kendall," he heard a strained voice.

"Please tell me you're okay," he answered, wringing his hands at his sides. "Please."

"I need help," James said. Kendll brought a hand to his mouth, horrified. But he knew that if he wanted to help James and get him to safety fast, he had to calm down.

"Okay. O-Okay, Jamie, can you unlock the door? Unlock the door for me, Jamie."

"I can't stand up."

"Crawl. Use all your strength, please. I have to get in there so I can help you." Kendall bit his lip and stepped back from the door. He was desperately trying to get his breathing under control. There was a long silence on the other side of the door, and Kendall was about to urge James again to try to get to the door, when he heard the click of the door unlocking. The blond grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open, his eyes widening in shock at what he saw.

James was curled up against the bathroom counter, eyes glazed and half-lidded, with blood dribbling down his chin. The trickle of crimson continued down his neck and the stain on his white wife-beater was consistently spreading.

In a milli-second, Kendall was knelt down by James' side and pulling the half-conscious boy into his lap. "Don't fall asleep on me, okay?" he said into James' ear. "Stay awake. Tell me what happened."

The brunette blinked up at his friend. "Blood came up this time," he whispered, so quietly that Kendall barely heard him.

"When you were throwing up?" he asked softly, nuzzling his face against James' cheek. The pretty boy (although not at his prettiest) sniffled a bit and then nodded. Suddenly becoming acutely aware that James definitely needed medical attention, Kendall's eyes widened. He jumped to his feet instantly and James whined at the sudden movement.

"Where are you going?" the panicked brunette asked.

"To call an ambulance, before you pass out!" Kenall yelled back from down the hall. James, suddenly full of energy, leaped off the floor and bolted into the kitchen, where Kendall had picked up the phone. It was quickly knocked out of Kendall's hand as he was pushed against the wall.

"What the fuck?" he growled. He4 tried to tug away from the grip James had on him, but the injured boy was surprisingly strong.

"You cannot call an ambulance," James pleaded. "Do you even realize what'll happen to Big Time Rush if everyone finds out that James Diamond has a fucking eating disorder?"

"What's more important: your recovery, your_ life_-" Kendall said with fire in his eyes, "or the band?"

"I think we both know the answer to that." James' voice was dangerously low. The words sent chills down the blond's spine.

"Do you really believe that? That you're not important?" Kendall's gaze softened a bit and he reached up a hand to cup his friend's cheek.

"Yes," James whispered, eyes downcast. His bruising grip on the shoulders in front of him was released, and Kendall took this as his cue to pull the brunette into a protective hug. He bent down a little and slipped an arm under James' legs before carrying him to the couch and gently setting him down.

Kendall had taken no more than two steps toward the kitchen when James cried out, "What are you doing?"

"I'm not calling an ambulance, don't worry," the blond sighed, thoroughly frustrated. "I'm just going to call a health hotline or something. I need to know how to deal with a... situation like this." He walked back toward his friend, who he still looked uneasy and a little scared. "Don't worry, okay?" he said, taking James' hands in his. "Please trust me."

The brunette nodded and watched as Kendall slowly walked into the kitchen and found a phone book. He hastily flipped through the pages until he finally found what he was looking for, picking up the phone and punching in a number. The room was completely silent save for the muffled sound of ringing on the other end of the phone. Suddenly Kendall's eyes lit up and James deflated a bit. Somebody had obviously answered.

"Yeah, hi. Someone close to me had a mishap." The blond glanced over to the couch, then took the phone into the next room and out of earshot of James. He was gone with the phone for a good ten minutes, the sick boy watching in horror as his friend walked back through the kitchen and toward the bathroom. He hadn't flushed and Kendall was obviously aware of this as he shut the door carefully behind him and locked it. James decided not to protest this time. Making a scene would only make things worse.

He waited quietly until he heard the soft voice on the other side of the bathroom door stop. The toilet was flushed and Kendall emerged after a little while, holding the phone and smiling half-heartedly at his friend. He put the phone back in the charger in the kitchen and wet a hand towel with warm water, also getting James a glass of water.

Kendall handed his friend the glass of water and reached for the hem of his stained wife-beater to slip it over his head. He began gently wiping the blood off of James' jaw and neck. "Drink the water, okay? You need to keep hydrated," Kendall instructed. James nodded and watched as his friend headed down to hall toward their bedroom. James, confused and a little lightheaded, took a few sips of the water before setting it on the end table. Soon the blond returned holding a few blankets and a pillow.

"Lay down," he said softly. When James didn't move, just stared straighty ahead, Kendall put both hands on his shoulders and gently laid him down. He tossed a couple of blankets over James and wedged a pillow under his head. For once in his life, the pretty boy wasn't worried about his hair getting messed up. It scared Kendall.

"Scooch over." The blond squeezed onto the couch next to James and snuggled under the blankets with him. "Okay, so they told me some stuff about why you threw up blood." James nodded and Kendall continued, "If the blood that you're throwing up is bright red, then you probably just scratched your throat somehow, or maybe you have a tear in your esophagus. Basically, it's not caused by internal bleeding. But if the blood's dark and tastes really metallic, you could have an ulcer. Or something else seriously wrong with you."

"Mine wasn't that dark," the brunette said, his voice small and strained.

"I know, I went and checked. Thank fucking God, James," Kendall breathed. James swallowed hard and hesitated, hating himself for burdening his best friend with something like this. He finally settled on turning to face Kendall and giving him a small peck on the cheek, something James had always wanted to do. Kendall felt his cheeks burning and his heart sped up.

The kiss gave both boys a surge of excitement and soon the brunette realized how hot his cheeks were, an obvious indication that he was blushing furiously. He quickly turned back around on the couch with his back to Kendall.

He let out a squeak when he felt Kendall's chest press against his back, a long arm wrapping around his waist. James didn't quite know what to do, or what Kendall was doing, for that matter. He stiffened up a bit and the boy who was hugging him laughed quietly.

"I'm big spoon," Kendall said playfully. "You be little spoon."

"Like, spooning?" James asked, his voice barely audible. He had a terrible case of butterflies.

"Yeah." Kendall scooted even closer, if possible, and James was paralyzed. He could feel every inch of Kendall's front against him and it felt absolutely amazing. "If you ever feel like you have to... throw up, come talk to me about it," Kendall said. "Like, if you forget how beautiful you are. I'd be happy to remind you." The brunette could feel Kendall's lips against his ear as he talked and he shivered. James turned his head to look at his friend.

"Thank you," James said softly. The two laid in silence for a while, each basking in the intimacy of just being close to one another.

"James?" the blonde whispered after a little while, his voice trembling slightly.

"Yeah?" James tensed up.

"Look at me." Kendall gently coaxed his friend to turn around in his arms. James shifted around until he was comfortable and then locked gazes with a pair of wide green eyes. Kendall's breath hitched a bit and he was struck by the sheer beauty of the boy in front of him. He knew that what he was about to do was probably a bad idea. He knew that this wasn't the best time to do anything risky, considering the fragile situation. But with James looking at him like that, with those huge, expectant, sad hazel eyes, Kendall couldn't stop himself.

"Can I kiss you?" he whispered. James' brows furrowed slightly and his lip trembled.

"You seriously want to?" He stared at the shirt that the boy in front of him was wearing, not wanting to look in his eyes. Why would _Kendall_ want to kiss_ him_? It didn't make any sense to James and frankly, it scared him a little bit. But as worried and tormented James was, he was hoping to God that Kendall would say that yes, he did want to kiss him. That he had liked him all along and wanted James as much as he wanted Kendall.

"Well, yeah... I really do," Kendall choked out, terrified by what he just did. James hadn't acted too thrilled about his proposal. When the brunette remained silent and continued avoiding eye contact, Kendall nodded slowly. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"Please kiss me," James said quickly. Kendall blinked at him a few times. He brought a hand up to his friend's beautiful face, caressing his cheek lightly. Kendall had kissed lots of girls before, but this was different. If he was being completely honest, he hadn't liked any of those girls, and frankly, hadn't wanted to kiss them.

But he did like James, more than he'd ever liked anyone before. Kendall slowly and cautiously leaned toward James' face until their foreheads were touching. The pretty boy let out a shuddering sigh and then laughed a little at his nerves. Kendall decided that it was the cutest thing he'd ever seen, James all flustered like this, especially because of his amazing ability to remain cool and collected in every situation.

"I'm going to kiss you now," the blonde informed James with a nervous smile. James nodded and leaned in a tiny bit, wanting Kendall to take control of this. After all, it was his idea.

Before he lost his nerve, Kendall closed the distance between them and connected their lips. His hand went to the back of James' head and he deepened the kiss almost right away. He had never felt such electricity, such a spark from kissing before. Kendall couldn't believe how much he wanted James. It seemed like he just couldn't get enough of him.

But Kendall knew that he should probably go easy on the kissing; afterall, this was completely new to both of them. And James was in such a fragile state already. He pulled away and stared into the sparkling hazel eyes.

"Wow," James breathed, content and happy. But then his smile faltered a bit. "Fuck, I probably tasted like puke... Kendall, you didn't have to do that for me. I mean, I guess I was probably being really obvious about liking you. But I'll be okay. I promise. You don't have to do that just to make me feel better."

"James," Kendall said sternly, holding his friend's chin in his hand. "I really,_ really_ wanted to. And... you don't know how much it means to me, hearing you say that you like me. I-I like you too. I have for... fuck, I don't know. Months!"

"Why... didn't you say anything?" James whispered.

"I guess I was scared."

"What do you ever have to be afraid of?" The brunette rolled his eyes. Kendall gave a sad smile.

"You'd be surprised."

The two snuggled for a while longer before Kendall helped James get dressed and ready for the day. He agreed not to tell the guys about James' problem, against his good judgment. Both of them were just kind of hoping that things would work themselves out.

* * *

><p>Kendall was woken the next morning by the sound of James shouting from somewhere in the apartment, "Kendaaaaall!"<p>

The blond growled and rolled over, staying silent for a few more moments until his friend started yelled, "Come here!"

"What's wrong?" Kendall roared. No answer. He laid his head back on his pillow right before it started up again.

"Kend-ah-hall!" James whined.

The boy currently being summoned threw the covers off of himself and marched into the living room, saying through gritted teeth, "Yed?"

James was laying on the couch and clutching his stomach with Carlos by his side desperately trying to comfort him.

"I don't know what's wrong!" Carlos told Kendall, his eyes wide. "He won't tell me."

"I want Kendall," James said quietly, burying his face in a couch cushion. The tan boy patted his friend on the back, rubbing a bit and standing up.

"He's all yours, man," he told Kendall.

The blond's gaze softened a bit as he sat down beside the whining lump on the couch. As annoying as it was, his whining was pretty fucking adorable.

"What's wrong, buddy?"

"My belly hurts," James complained, his voice muffled by the couch cushion.

"It's probably because you haven't eaten in months," Kendall sighed.

"I've eaten."

"Hardly anything," he pressed. "Want me to make you some breakfast? Toast or something?"

"I'm not hungry." James peeked up at his crush.

"You obviously are, if your stomach hurts so much," Kendall said softly. "Oh, how are you feeling with... well, you know. Any more blood?" The brunette shook his head slowly.

"Blood?" came Logan's voice. Both boy's jumped. "Is... everything okay?"

"Yep," tall blond and eyebrows said quickly. "James and I were wrestling yesterday and there was a little accident. But everything's fine now."

"Uh...huh," Logan replied slowly, seeming very skeptical. "What was with all the yelling earlier?"

"You sure are full of questions today, aren't you?" Kendall raised an eyebrow.

Logan shrugged. "I just care."

"Eveything okay now?" Carlos joined the conversation, clapping a hand on Kendall's shoulder.

"We're good," he smiled. "I'm gonna get James some toast." Kendall stood up and headed for the kitchen.

"Gustavo's going to slaughter me!" Logan groaned, face-palming dramatically.

"Why?" James piped in from where he was curled up on the couch.

"Logan's tone-deaf!" Carlos laughed, receiving a shove from Logan.

"I'm not _tone deaf_," he insisted as he glared daggers at Carlos. "I've just never had to sing this low before. And you know how Gustavo always threatens to get rid of one of us. Or all of us... we're not that replaceable, are we?"

"Of course not," Kendall answered as he emerged from the kitchen with a plate of dry toast. He handed it to James, saying softly, "Eat."

James took the plate and set it on his chest. He didn't like to think about it, but Logan was right. And if he wanted to avoid death threats from Gustavo today, he knew he had to just suck it up and sing, despite his still-sore throat. James picked up a piece of toast.

"You guys? I really don't feel like getting up today!" he formed his friends. His crush laughed gently and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, because I really wanted to get out of bed when I woke up to you yelling from in here."

"You're stupid!" James shot back, both boys biting back grins.

"We should probably get going now," Logan told them as he glanced at his watch. "We're supposed to be at the studio in less than ten minutes."

"Let's go!" Kendall clapped his hands together and grabbed one of his hoodies off the back of a kitchen chair from where he'd tossed it the day before.

James groaned and pushed himself up from the couch. "No beauty sleep _and_ no time to make myself pretty? Don't look at me, I'm not decent!"

"You look how you always look, James," Logan scoffed. The brunette let out his signature horrified yelp.

"I always look this horrible?" he demanded. Kendall put an arm around him.

"You look great," he said softly. "Really." James smiled shyly and a rosy tint spread across his cheeks. Logan raised his eyebrows at Carlos, because really: the two couldn't be more obvious.

The second that the four arrived at the studio, Gustavo forced them into the small sound booth. There were extra lyric sheets for 'Princess' resting on a music stand in the corner and James grabbed one for backup.

The song opened with Kendall singing breathily into the microphone, his lips grazing against it. At this point of the song every verse would contradict the one before it: "Release me from your grasp, but baby, pull me right back. You're way too much and I can't get enough."

Hearing Kendall's voice shift into falsetto, seeing him so lost in the song, so in the zone... it sent chills up James' spine. He stared blatantly at the blond, eyes wide and pupils slightly dilated.

He was shaken out of his dazed state when the sound of Gustavo yelling blared through his set of headphones. James cringed and threw them from his head.

"Um, you mind telling me what the hell that was for?" the angry brunette's voice got louder with every word.

"Pay attention!" Gustavo growled. "You just missed your que, and I shouldn't have to keep going back and starting this over for you!"

James visibly wilted and hung his head. "Sorry. It won't happen again." Gustavo stared him down as he put his headphones back on and got ready to sing. Kendall watched as his friend fidgeted, waiting for the music to start. James didn't need to be singled out like this; Kendall wasn't sure if the brunette could handle it.

James took a shaky breath and began with, "Green-eyed, gluttonous. Narcissistic, envious." He tried to subtly clear his throat. "I want to make you my princess." And at the end of the verse, his voice cracked and his hand shot up to cover his mouth.

"What was that?" Gustavo roared.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I can't stand this kid!" he whirled around in his chair and turned off the microphone, ranting to Kelly. She rolled her eyes and pretended to listen. Even though the sound was off, the four guys could make out a few things: "No talent", "hockey head", and "useless." Kendall's brows furrowed in rage when he saw the hurt on James' face.

"How fucking dare..." he was mumbling, racing to the door and yanking it open. The three other boys watched as Kendall turned red in the face yelling something they couldn't understand. He flailed his arms around and then pointed a finger right into Gustavo's chest. Their enormous producer actually looked intimidated and Kelly was standing behind him, arms crossed over her chest. Gustavo turned to her and appeared to be asking her for help, but she shook her head and gestured to Kendall. She walked over to stand next to the blond and both of them stared down Gustavo.

James smiled sadly as Carlos and Logan high-fived each other and laughed at the scene Kendall was creating. After a few moments Kelly turned on the microphone and spoke into it, "I think we're going to cut practice short for today, guys. You can go."

The three guys looked at each other uneasily and then finally loaded into the soundbooth where they were pushed into the hallway by Kelly.


	4. Chapter 4

Kendall watched James intently the entire ride home. What Gustavo had just done was completely uncalled for, not to mention fucked up. The brunette with glazed hazel eyes hung his head the whole time, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Kendall growled. His little scene earlier was nothing compared to what he was going to do if James really took what Gustavo said to heart.

When the boys arrived at the Palmwoods and James climbed out of the car, Kendall was right on his heels. He ran a comforting hand down his crush's back on the elevator ride up to their floor in hopes of soothing him a bit.

"James?" Kendall called when he door to 2J was open and the brunette bolted for their bedroom. Kendall made it to the door just as it was being slammed in his face. He opened it immediately.

"James?" he said quietly, inching toward the bed where a figure was sitting and slumped over.

"Yes?" James answered.

"You okay, buddy?"

"Yes." There was a lump in James' throat that he was futilely trying to swallow as tears stung the corners of his eyes. Kendall noticed right away and swooped in to do everything in his power to make it better. He knelt in front of the slumped-over boy and took both shaky hands in his own.

"Hey, hey... talk to me, baby," Kendall murmured, not even thinking about how that sounded.

"He thinks I just don't try or something," James whispered as a few hot tears slipped down his flushed cheeks. "Like I don't work my ass off and have drive, and... and want this. I do want it, Kendall. You know how committed I am to this."

Kendall nodded and cupped one of his friend's cheeks in his palm. "I know," he said softly. "I-I can't even express in works how pissed off I was when that fatass Gustavo did that. Because you are so talented, James... I could listen to you sing forever. And you're more committed than any of us. He's just jealous because you're drop-dead gorgeous and his face looks like a legitimate ass."

James burst into a fit of giggled and covered his tomato-red face with his hands. Kendall grinned and grabbed James' wrists in an attempt to pull his hands away from his blushing cheeks.

"Let me see your beautiful face!" Kendall laughed. James submitted, trying to control his giggling.

"Do you really mean that?"

"100 percent," the blond nodded.

"I mean, what you said about my... face, and me being gorgeous or something..."

"Yes, I meant everything I said," Kendall answered. There was a silence between the two for a few moments. "And James?" The blond asked while fidgeting slightly, obviously nervous about what he was about to say.

"Yeah?" James asked, his guard automatically going up. Kendall took a deep breath.

"I meant what I said yesterday too, a-about liking you. I mean, I_ like_ you."

"Why do you like me?" James was genuinely perplexed.

"Well, I don't know if you realize this, but you're really fucking beautiful. And not just your looks. All of you. I mean sure, you don't show your appreciation and love for people in the typical way, but that's what's so awesome about you. I'll never forget the time when I was all bummed out about Jo and you screamed at me, saying that I "wouldn't let you in" or something. It was so fucking adorable," Kendall said as an absolutely mesmerized James sat staring at him.

When James finally found his voice, he smiled shyly at Kendall and said, "I like you too."

Kendall grinned and jumped up to hug James, pushing them both onto the bed and climbing on top of the other. He attacked James' face with kisses, his chin, nose, forehead, and finally his lips. The brunette eagerly kissed back and grabbed a fistful of Kendall's hair, tugging hard and earning a groan in response. The kiss quickly heated up from there as Kendall rolled them over so James was on top. Large and calloused hands found their way to the brunette's ass and pulled the two boys' hips even closer together. James may have been on top, but he was giving the other total control.

Kendall couldn't get enough. He couldn't take his hands off of James' ass and his now tiny arms. But James was beautiful, always was, and Kendall knew that the brunette always would be. James let out this little whimper and every little sound that he made went straight to Kendall's groin.

"Mmph, need more," Kendall mumbled against the perfect pair of kiss-swollen lips. James moaned, high-pitched and feminine, and Kendall began fingering the hem of James' shirt. He felt the brunette tense up but didn't give it much thought, and pulled the shirt up and over his pecs, running eager hands all over the flawless tanned chest. James tensed up even more.

In an attempt to relax him, Kendall rubbed soothingly at his lower back and stroked his chestnut hair gently. James was whimpering now, but it wasn't a pleasured sound this time. It sounded more scared. The confused blond brought his hands to James' ribs and began running his hands up and down the boy's sides and near his belly.

That was when James snapped. He leaped off of Kendall and tugged his shirt back down hastily to cover his belly and chest.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked, alarmed.

"Don't touch me like that." James' voice was shaking fiercely. Kendall's heart sank and his stomach suddenly felt upset.

"I-I'm sorry, James, I-" he began, but the other just shook his head and stood up, tripping over his feet to get to the door.

Kendall watched his crush leave, absolutely dumbstruck._ What_ had just happened? And how was Kendall going to fix it?_ Don't touch me like that._ The words rang through his head over and over and he swallowed back the lump in his throat. Did James not want Kendall as much as he had thought? Maybe the fragile boy was just really confused and mistook the comfortable feeling of being fawned over for a crush or something.

In the living room, James had mostly composed himself and had settled on the couch between Logan and Carlos, who were completely absorbed in Bio Hazard: Battle Blast IV.

Carlos glanced at James and did a double-take when he saw the look on his friend's face. "James, what's wrong!" Carlos exclaimed, throwing his controller down and putting an arm around James. The trembling boy flinched at the touch but eventually relaxed into Carlos. Meanwhile Logan started scolding Carlos for stopping in the middle of the game, but was soon distracted by James' current state.

Kendall had wandered into the living rom and was watching the scene in front of him from the doorway. If it was possible for him to get any more discouraged than he was before, he did.

"What are you doing?" Katie's voice jolted Kendall out of his dazed state.

"What?" he replied dumbly, making a pained face at how idiotic he sounded.

"What are you doing?" his little sister replied forcefully.

"I'm..." Kendall tried, searching for words and finally giving up with a defeated shrug.

"You're watching ruefully as Carlos comforts James about something that clearly has to do with you?"

"I _really_ underestimate you sometimes, Katie," Kendall replied, eyes wide in shock at his little sister's insight.

"Don't change the subject," she said. "What's going on between you two?" Kendall sighed deeply.

"I don't even know."

"Need me to do some digging for you?" Katie smiled mischievously while rubbing her palms together. Kendall laughed softly.

"It's okay. Thanks, though."

"Just let me know." With a shrug, Katie headed toward the kitchen and left Kendall standing in the doorway. Watching James again. He growled in frustration and rubbed at his forehead.

* * *

><p>James felt so humiliated. He and Kendall had had the most beautiful moment together, exactly what James had wanted for as long as he could remember. And he had to go and ruin it because he was so fucking insecure about his weight. All of Kendall's touches had felt right. James trusted the blond with his life- which was why he didn't want him touching anywhere near the belly until James was at his goal weight.<p>

He watched out of the corner of his eye as Kendall slinked into the living room, going unnoticed by Logan and Carlos, and continued into the kitchen. What if Kendall wouldn't want James anymore, after that episode? The thought made the brunette nauseous. He slumped into Carlos even more at that, willing Kendall to emerge from the kitchen so he could at least read the blond's facial expression. So James could get a feel of just how done Kendall was with him at that point.

James shook his head in an attempt to shake those thoughts. Carlos reached a hand p to hold the brunette's head against his chest comfortingly. Hearing the smaller boy's heartbeat, James began to relax and his eyes started feeling heavy. Carlos' warm hands were massaging the taller boy's scalp and before he knew it he was fast asleep.

James looked around the pitch-black room and gently stirred. How long had he been asleep for? Where was he? And... who was holding him?

James ran his hands up the arms that were wrapped tightly around him, much longer than Carlos' arms, although the brunette vaguely remembered falling asleep on the shorter teen. James squirmed around a bit to look at the person who was currently spooning him, but the room was pitch-black and James was out of luck.

He reached a hand up to shake the person awake and his hand collided with their face: a face with a very distinct nose that could only belong to Kendall. James' heartbeat instantly sped up and the events from the night before came flooding back.

James couldn't seem to suppress the extreme relief and excitement he felt at that moment. He hadn't ruined everything. Kendall still cared, and enough to sleep cuddled up next to him.

"Kendall?" James whispered. Silence. He repeated the action and started shaking the blond lightly.

"Mmm?" Kendall answered sleepily, pulling James a bit closer and tucking his face into the boy's shoulder.

"Hey, listen," James giggled, still in a hushed tone.

"What," Kendall groaned. He didn't move, kept his face tucked into James' shoulder and soft hair, so James turned around to face him.

"Kendall," he whispered. Kendall rubbed his eyes. "I have to tell you something."

"Okay."

"I'm so sorry about last night. I was completely out of line and I should have just told you straight-up-"

"Oh my God, you _don't_ want to be with me. You didn't have to act like you liked me," Kendall interrupted, withdrawing a bit.

"That's not what I was going to say," James urged. "Just listen to me, okay?"

"But you didn't want me touching you. We can go slow, James. You want to go slow? We don't have to do anything. I just want to be with you."

"No, that's not it. I wanted it, so bad. You have no idea. I just... I can't... my body," James said in a small voice. Kendall's eyes widened and he pulled the boy closer.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I was so insensitive."

"No, no. It's okay." James leaned up ad nuzzled their noses together. "I just need some time."

"You're more than worth it," Kendall breathed. Their mouths were millimeters apart and Kendall wanted so badly to close the distance and kiss those perfect lips, but he knew that it would be best to let James make the first move.


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, I'd just like to say that there is A TON of steamy smuttiness in this chapter. I absolutely had a ball writing it, and I hope you guys like it!**

**By the way, I'm not really sure why I feel the need to add this, but I realize that in the show the kitchen is directly connected to the living room, as in they're basically the same room. It worked a little better in this fic for them to be separate rooms, so sorry if that totally ruins my story for you. :'[ Lmao I'm obviously kidding, I just felt like I needed to clarify?**

**And just so you know, I know EXACTLY where I'm going with this. I'm really excited to write the next chapter because a lot is going to happen. But a lot happens in this one too, so yeah!**

**Anyways! Please R&R. Reviews make me really happy, and realllly motivated. ^_^ Here we go:**

* * *

><p>Kendall and James weren't boyfriends, but they might as well have been. They were inseperable and Kendall was absolutely always there when James felt unbeautiful, when he was lonely, when he got so stressed that he felt like he just couldn't take it anymore. James couldn't have been more grateful. The only issue he had with any of it was when Kendall made him promise that if he really felt like purging he would come to Kendall with it, so they could make it through the moment together, and hopefully convince James otherwise. To James, this just meant he had to be extra sneaky about throwing up. He wasn't trying to hurt Kendall, he really wasn't. The soul purpose of his purging was to prevent him from gaining weight, to prevent Kendall from leaving.<p>

It was basically understood that the two definitely had a thing. None of the four guys had talked about it at all, but James and Kendall knew that Logan and Carlos knew. Somehow it wasn't awkward at all, it was just naturally comfortable.

One particular evening about a week after the whole argument in the studio in which Kendall bitched out Gustavo, all the guys could tell by James' mannerisms and body language that there was something wrong. Sure, he hadn't been himself for a while now, but this just wasn't right.

Kendall hadn't left James' side all day, but the obviously upset brunette didn't even smile when Kendall rubbed his back gently and whispered soothing, affectionate words in his ear.

When Logan and Carlos, and then finally Kendall, settled into the couch to watch HBO, James stayed planted to the chair he was sitting in in the kitchen.

"You wanna come with us?" Kendall asked while running a gentle hand through James' hair. James shook his head and sat completely still. He absolutely adored the attention, but he still wanted to be alone.

"Okay," Kendall gave up finally, not wanting to bother James. "Come get me if you need anything, okay babe?" he leaned down and whispered in James' ear.

There it was, the adrenaline rush that Kendall always managed to give him. James nodded and watched Kendall leave.

The instant everyone was out of the room James bolted up from where he was sitting and rushed to the cupboards, pulling them open and loading up his arms with anything he could grab. He rushed down the hall with everything he'd gathered and dumped it all on his bed when he reached his room. James hurriedly shut and locked the door and collapsed on his bed.

Within seconds James was ripping open boxes of oreos and stuffing in his mouth as many as he could fit. He had a system. First he ate the foods that took more chewing, and when he began to slow down he would start in on the Hostess snacks and Nutella and marshmallow fluff.

When James' cheeks hurt from chewing and he was so bloated that he could barely move, he hurried to the bathroom and grabbed a toothbrush.

Ever since Kendall had found him slumped over the toilet and bloody, James was being extra careful. No matter how much he hated hurting Kendall, he couldn't allow himself to gain weight. He just couldn't. As far as James knew, Kendall had no idea that he had been purging all of the past week. And he planned on keeping it that way.

James tiptoed back into his and Kendall's room when he was finished and gathered up the remnants of what he'd been eating. He slowly made his way into the kitchen, the room directly adjacent to the living room where the guys were hanging out. Judging by the laughter and loud clattering and banging, they had clearly forgotten about the television... and were oblivious to anything else going on in the apartment. Katie and Mrs. Knight apparently were too: the sound of Katie's high-pitched cheers for Kendall to win the living room wrestling match were ringing through the kitchen.

Mrs. Knight was on the phone down the hall, gossiping about how Ron was being so unfair to Katherine and that if he was going to act like that, Katherine may as well divorce him. _Women._

When James finished putting away all the snack food, he considered joining the guys in the next room, but quickly decided against it. James knew he wouldn't be much fun that night and the last thing he wanted to do was worry Kendall and ruin all the fun for him.

James walked down the hall and into the bathroom, stripping down and jumping in the shower. Soaping up, he couldn't deny that in the past three months he'd lost a whole lot of muscle tone. That used to be James' thing, being the athletic looking stud. Now it was just all about being thin.

James retired to his shared room wrapped in a towel and slipped into some boxer briefs, daring to look in the mirror above the dresser. He actually didn't look so bad: after ridding his stomach of all he'd eaten, his belly wasn't bloated and actually kind of looked small. James smiled. He collapsed onto his bed in just the undies and curled up on his side.

The bedroom door opened suddenly, startling James. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it was only Kendall, but tensed up again in seconds at the realization that Kendall was seeing him in his underwear... especially since his ass was facing the door.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Kendall exclaimed. He turned around and covered his eyes. James smiled at how understanding Kendall was being. He grabbed a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants from the dresser, put them both on and sat back on his bed.

"You can look now," James said. His crush slowly turned around and uncovered his face, revealing a contagious grin.

"What?" James demanded.

"You! You look amazing. Your ass... holy fuck. Oh wow, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I just really thought you should know how perfect you are."

"Thanks," James said quietly as his face turned tomato red.

Kendall laughed lightly and sat next to James on the bed. "You mind if I sleep in here tonight?"

"Do it." James and Kendall crawled under the covers and Kendall coaxed the brunette to lay over him.

"Hi," Kendall said sweetly, looking at James and fuck, Kendall just looked so gorgeous. In that moment James decided that he was going to put aside his stupid insecurities, even just for that night. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Kendall's, automatically feeling a rush of excitement, adrenaline, and nerves. There was such a heat between the two and Kendall's hands were all over James' back and tangled in his hair.

Gaining some confidence, James bit Kendall's lip, tugging on it as he pulled away. Kendall let out a shaky whine that excited James beyond belief. Still, Kendall was being respectful and keeping it clean... James could definitely change that.

Kendall put a hand on the back of James' neck and pulled him in for another heated kiss. James cautiously rested his hands on Kendall's chest, inching downward until he was at the hem of Kendall's shirt. His fingers danced over the blond's hips and belly, delighting in the feeling of a faint happy trail.

Kendall's breaths were becoming more shallow and soon James had the shirt all the way up and was pulling it over Kendall's shoulders and head.

James lowered his face and began kissing the skin of Kendall's collar bones. He moved down to a nipple and lightly nipped at it before biting down and tugging a bit.

"Fuck," Kendall hissed. The blond was hard now, James could feel Kendall's length pushing up into his groin. James loved seeing Kendall like this, watching the blond come apart in his arms. James crawled further up and rested his knees on either side of Kendall, straddling the narrow hips and grinding down with an innocent smile on his face. Kendall's head fell back and he let out a low moan. James grinned and Kendall peeked up sheepishly.

"Sorry," he panted. "J-Just really fucking..."

"Hard?" James gave a cocky smile and rolled his hips against Kendall's.

"Yes," the blond gasped, both in answer to James' question and in reaction to the sudden friction. James tugged off his own hoodie and stared into a pair of lust-clouded eyes.

"J-James," Kendall gripped James' hips. "Are you sure about this?" The brunette leaned down, his hot breath against Kendall's mouth.

"I'm sure," he whispered. As soon as the words left James' mouth, Kendall was pulling him in for a rough kiss.

"What do you want me to do?" James asked, his voice low and determined. Kendall gripped James' ass and pulled him down against his groin, rolling his hips up and breathing out a desperate moan.

"Wanna see your ass," Kendall told James, still gripping the boy's hips. James smiled devilishly. He climbed off Kendall's lap and slipped out of the sweatpants he was wearing. He straddled Kendall again, this time with his back to the blond.

"Oh my fucking God, James," Kendall gasped. He was hypnotized by James' perfect little ass and the way his black boxer briefs stretched so perfectly over it. "So fucking gorgeous."

James was surprised by how much he enjoyed seducing Kendall. He felt confident for the first time in what seemed like forever. Being with Kendall just felt right, and James was hardly even nervous anymore; just horny, his hard-on straining against the fabric of his underwear.

Kendall gripped James' cheeks and James whimpered, leaning forward and arching his back.

"Bend over," Kendall growled. The brunette obediently bent forward onto his hands and knees and Kendall pulled his legs out from under him.

Kendall shimmied out of his jeans and boxers and got on his knees behind James, gripping his hips and grinding his throbbing length against the boy's ass. James moaned at the sensation and his hand went straight to his cock.

"Shit, James," Kendall breathed, running his hands along the feminine curves of James' hips and ass. He slipped his fingers under the waistband of the boy's boxer briefs and waited for an objection. When it never came, Kendall tugged them down and took in the sight of James _bent over naked_ for him.

Kendall reached for his cock and immediately began running his hand up and down the length and thumbing the slit.

"Kendall," James whined, trying to push back into Kendall, craving the feeling of the blond's hardened cock against his ass.

"Want me to make you feel really good, Jamie?" Kendall murmured, bringing a hand down to lightly slap James' ass.

"Fuck yes," James moaned.

"I'm gonna make this feel so fucking good, baby. I promise." Kendall bent down to get a better view and groaned at the sight of James' backside, completely bare in front of him. He bent lower and licked a slow line from James' balls and all the way up until he reached the brunette's lower back.

"_Kendall_," James shuddered. Kendall's dick throbbed at James' reaction and his mouth was immediately back on James, licking lightly before putting a bit of pressure on his entrance. The brunete whined in pleasure and it had to be the hottest thing Kendall had ever heard.

"So fucking beautiful," Kendall murmured and dipped his tongue into James' entrance. James was panting now, reaching back and gripping Kendall's neck, grinding back into his mouth. Kendall reached around in front of James and put his hand around the brunette's pulsing cock. He ran his thumb across the head and smeared around the precum.

"Kendall, I'm so c-close..." James told the blond, who quickly picked up his pace of stroking James' jock and applied more pressure with his tongue. James' mewling and whimpering became louder and he pushed his ass back into Kendall even further. The movements of Kendall's tongue, skillful and flickering, were quickly sending the other boy over the edge. Kendall continued jacking James off, flicking his wrist as he got to the tip, and James moaned loudly as he released into Kendall's hand.

The blond continued stroking until the very last drop and waited for James to come down from his high, then lovingly kissing up James' back until he got to his mouth.

"No," James protested, "Not until you brush your teeth!" Kendall laughed and stood, grabbing the towel from James' shower that had been discarded on the floor earlier and wiping his hands off. Both boys slowly got dressed and Kendall slipped into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

James' eyes widened and he yelled from his spot on the bed, "Kendall!"

"Yeah?" Kendall asked, alarmed, as he came back into the bedroom.

"I didn't help you finish," James blushed. "I'm so sorry, if you want me to right now, you can do whatever you want to me, and I..."

"Baby." Kendall put both hands on James' shoulders. "You letting me worship your ass was more than enough. Don't ever worry about something like that again, okay?"

James nodded, just as Carlos pushed the door open without knocking and came right into the bedroom.

"Hey James, are you feeling better?" he asked, frowning.

"What do you mean?" James responded a little too quickly.

"I mean, I've heard you throwing up like every day this week, and you just did an hour ago. Man, what an awful stomach flu." Carlos shook his head and gave James a sympathetic but sad smile. Both James and Kendall froze and an uncomfortable silence set in.

"Yeah, James," Kendall cocked his head, his voice the coldest the brunette had ever heard it. "You feeling any better?"

"Y-Yeah, thanks guys," James whispered. Carlos looked incredibly confused, but nodded and started for the door.

"Okay, buddy. Goodnight."

The second the door closed Kendall went over to his bed and grabbed a pillow and a blanket. His jaw set, so fucking pissed that he couldn't trust himself look at James, he headed toward the door too.

"Kendall," James cried desperately, jumping up and grabbing the blond's wrist. "Wait, I..."

"I can't believe you just let me do that," Kendall said, voice low, his green eyes blazing with rage. "You let me have that moment with you, that, that... closeness... I have never felt so connected with someone in my life, James. And you've been pulling the wool over my eyes all week?"

"If you'd just let me explain-" James said, helpless.

"No. You obviously care more about your looks than our relationship," Kendall spat.

"Our relationship?" For a moment James' heart swelled with joy. _Our relationship._

"Yes," the blond nodded slowly and sardonically. "Now please, just leave me alone. I need some time to think."

James stood, numb, as the most important person in his life left and shut the door loudly behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

Logan was curled up in his bed reading _The Scarlet Letter_, a Palmwoods School assignment that none of the other guys would follow through on. He had his little book light clipped to the top of the book so he wouldn't disturb Carlos, who was sprawled out on his bed half-asleep.

There was a sharp knock on the door and Logan glanced at his sleeping friend before hissing, "What?"

"I need to sleep here," he heard Kendall say from outside of the room. Logan groaned.

"Kendall, Carlos is asleep. Why can't you just sleep in your room? Or the pull-out couch, for that matter?"

"I need to sleep here."

"What's going on?" Carlos slurred.

"Carlos, get up. Kendall needs your bed. You're sleeping with James tonight- er, in James' room." Logan blushed. Carlos rolled out of bed without protest, dragging the bedding with him and stumbling over to the door. When he pushed it open Kendall came right in and tossed his pillow and blanket onto Carlos' bed. Kendall flopped onto the bed and buried his face in his pillow.

"Kendall, what's wrong?" Logan asked as soon as Carlos had gone, shutting off his book light and moving to sit beside Kendall.

"James," he said. He wasn't going to beat around the bush anymore or try to be discreet. "He let me fool around with him, which apparently meant a lot more to me than to him, because he's been lying to me all week and probably didn't think I'd find out."

"What did he lie about?" Logan asked gently.

"Okay, there's something you've gotta know about him." Kendall stared up at Logan. "I've been keeping this a secret for way too long because I'm a fucking dumbass. But there's no way I'm keeping it to myself any longer. Logan, James is bulimic. And he throws up and starves himself."

"Oh God," Logan drew in a sharp breath.

"Last weekend he threw up blood and it was really fucking scary. I called a doctor and everything, and I guess it wasn't_ too_ serious. He just needed to stop throwing up. Immediately."

"And he didn't," Logan concluded, staring fixedly at Kendall.

"Right." Kendall let out a deep breath. "And I made him promise me that if he felt like he had to make himself throw up, he'd come to me. We'd get through it together, you know? I want to help him. And then we fooled around tonight, and- and I felt so close to him. And then I find out that he's been throwing up all week and right before we had that moment." Kendall's chin quivered and Logan put a hand on his shoulder.

"Kendall, I'm no doctor, but..." Kendall scoffed and Logan continued. "You know that purging is an addiction, right? It's like anything else, self-mutilation, cutting, excessive exercising... you can't just stop doing it. It's a way to relieve yourself of tension and depressive feelings. It's not like asking your boyfriend to stop flirting with other people. It's bigger than that."

Kendall stared at Logan. "But he lied to me, he.. I want to help him. That's all I want."

"To be able to help James you have to really understand what he's going through," Logan said gently. Kendall sighed.

"How do I do that? He's so secretive. He won't talk to me about his purging so how am I supposed to help?"

"You watch him. Carefully. Get Buddha Bob to come take the lock off the bathroom door. If you see him binge, don't let him leave your sight," Logan said.

"Will you help me?" Kendall asked abruptly. "I know James can't do this alone, but... neither can I."

"Of course." Logan smiled. "We all care about James and I know Carlos is a little, well, juvenile, but I'm sure he'll want to help too."

"Thanks, man. I feel awful about spilling James' secret. But I guess I had to."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Logan said. "And can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Kendall shrugged.

"When did you know?"

"When did I know what?" Kendall stared at Logan, trying to read his expression.

"That you're..." Logan shifted awkwardly.

"That I'm gay?" Kendall asked, and his friend nodded. "The thing is... I've never really thought that I'm straight. I've just never been interested in girls. So I guess I've always known." Logan nodded and didn't look phased, and Kendall loved Logan for being so nonjudgmental. Feeling that an explanation was due, he continued, "I dated Jo because she's a nice girl and I liked being around her. Plus, I knew she wouldn't want to fool around or anything." Kendall shrugged. "I feel like that part should have been a dead giveaway..." Both boys laughed.

"Thanks for telling me, man," Logan smiled. "You wanna get some sleep now?" Kendall nodded and slowly crawled under the covers as Logan went back to his bed.

* * *

><p>Carlos dragged himself, along with his pillow and comforter, into James' and Kendall's room. He would have gone right to sleep in Kendall's bed if he hadn't seen James.<p>

The room was dim and not much could be seen, but the slumped over figure with glassy eyes shocked Carlos awake.

"James!" He cried, rushing over to his friend and sitting Indian-style next to him on the bed. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Please don't be sad, I want to listen to you."

Carlos' loving babbling made James feel a little bit better, knowing that he had somebody who would always be there, in his face, full of love. Like a golden retriever. Carlos took James' hands in his, thinking nothing of it.

"Um." James started. "I have a problem. Only Kendall knows about it. It's like... really bad for me."

"Does it have to do with your stomach flu?" Carlos asked, his face more serious than James had ever seen it. The brunette was shocked; not because the truth was coming out, but by the fact that Carlos had been able to so clearly put the pieces together. James had drastically underestimated his friend's maturity, apparently.

"Yes," James said finally. "And he wanted me to tell him when I got the urge to... well, you know." Carlos nodded, listening intently with a soft and comforting look in his widened chocolate brown eyes.

"And I, um, didn't. Every day this week I gave in. And tonight. And I sort of did stuff with him. AndIkindoflovehimandIdon'tknowhattodo." James finished, talking so fast that he could hardly even understand himself. Carlos nodded sympathetically again and squeezed James' hands.

"I'm so sorry I did that earlier. I-I had no idea, I swear. Cross my heart," Carlos said. James dismissed it.

"It's really not your fault. I was the one lying to him and not even trying to get better."

"I want to help you," Carlos said, somber and eager at the same time. "You want me to talk to Kendall? I can totally do that."

"No, it's okay." James laughed a little. "You're a great friend, Carlos." Carlos grinned widely and started getting up, pulling James with him.

"What are you-"

"_We're_ going to talk to Kendall," Carlos said this like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"I can't." James yanked his hands away.

"You can," Carlos stared into James' eyes. "You can do anything. You're freaking James Diamond." James felt the corners of his mouth curve up into a grin.

"Just not now, okay?" he pleaded. "We can tomorrow." Carlos' face contorted in defeat.

"Fine," he sighed. "But definitely tomorrow!" James nodded.

"I wanna go to sleep," the brunette mumbled. Carlos went back over to his bed and crawled in, turning off the light on his nightstand.

"Goodnight, buddy," Carlos whispered.

* * *

><p>Kendall got up the next morning at 7 and headed straight to the kitchen cupboards. When Logan walked into the kitchen and saw Kendall stuffing junk food into a garbage bag, he was confused, to say the least.<p>

"Uh, Kendall? What are you...?" Logan started. Kendall glanced at him.

"Oh hey, Logan!" he smiled. "I'm getting rid of potential binge food." Logan's face lit up.

"Dude, that's actually a really good idea."

"What's a good idea?" came a voice from behind them, and both boys froze.

"Hi, mom!" Kendall flashed a toothy grin. "Just getting rid of the junk food."

"Sweetie, that's great!" Mrs. Knight said, walking over to her son. "That's going to be so good for you! You were starting to get a little belly pudge!" She pinched his stomach.

"_Excuse me?_" Kendall gaped at her, horrified. His mother laughed and patted him on the back, telling the two boys that she was headed for the gym and that she would be back soon.

"Oh, and maybe you should start coming to work out with me!" she called as she walked out the door, giving them one final wave. Logan looked at Kendall, the blond's jaw still dropped and brows turned up in worry, and he had to laugh.

"It's not funny!" Kendall yelled, which just made Logan laugh harder. "Stop!" Logan felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. But when he saw that Kendall was genuinely distressed, he paused.

"Kendall, you're fine! Don't worry!" he said, which obviously did nothing to comfort Kendall because he started prodding at his stomach and let out an angry growl.

"Well I guess this isn't about me. It's about James," Kendall said finally. "Even if I have gotten chubby..."

"You're fine," Logan insisted. "Really."

"Guys, I have to talk to you," Carlos said, hurrying into the kitchen. "We have to talk to you too," Logan replied.

"James is kind of-" "Kendall and James-" Both boys started at the same time. Logan face-palmed.

"You first," he said after a pause.

"James talked to me about something last night. First of all, congratulations," Carlos smiled at Kendall. "You know, about... the two of you. And well, James told me that he makes himself throw up and, Kendall, you know about that, but I thought that Logan might be able to help and I just... don't know what to do."

"I know," Logan said. "I want to help."

"Wait, James talked to you about it?" Kendall asked, his tone and expression undefinable.

"Yeah," Carlos said cautiously. "He was really upset when I went in there and I asked him what was wrong. He basically told me everything." Kendall nodded. "A-And please don't stay mad at him for throwing up. I know he lied but he's just under a lot of stress right now."

"I'm not," Kendall said. "Logan told me how it's an addiction and now I kind of feel like an ass for getting so mad at him."

"It's understandable, Kendall," Logan told him.

"Look, we need a game plan." Carlos had a determined set to his face that caught Kendall and Logan's attention and made them really listen up. "We each need to have a role in this."

"Yes. Especially because just forcing him to eat won't fix it. In order to recover, he has to actually want to," Logan explained.

"Well how do we make him want it?" Kendall asked.

"We'll worry about that later," Carlos took charge again. "Right now we just need to focus on preventing him from throwing up. In every way we can."

"Okay, so... get rid of binge food."

Logan pointed at Kendall and nodded. "And take the lock off the bathroom door. Don't give James too much privacy. And become light sleepers, because if we don't give him the time or privacy during the day, he'll definitely try at night."

"I'm gonna go talk to him." Kendall turned on his heel and started for their bedroom.

"Kendall," Carlos called. "Please don't be mean to him. Oh! And tell him to come out here. Like, so we can all talk." Kendall nodded and kept walking.

He sneaked into their room and quietly shut the door behind him. Moving to sit on the side of James' bed, Kendall gently shook him awake.

"Hmm," James moaned, his eyes still shut.

"Jamie," Kendall said softly. "I have to talk to you." James' eyes shot open and he immediately took on a worried expression. He pulled the blankets up to his chest and timidly made eye contact, possibly looking more vulnerable than Kendall had ever seen him.

"I'm sorry," James whispered. "I promise, I'm not hurting you on purpose."

"It's okay," Kendall said. "I know. And now I know that b-bulimia," Kendall still struggled to say the word, "is an addiction. You can't just stop. And it was really dumb of me to demand that of you."

"But you just asked me to come to you with it. You just wanted to help me."

"I know. And the guys and I are going to help. We understand, okay? Carlos, Logan and I are here for you. I want you to know that. But just... try, okay? You know you can come to me with anything." Kendall tenderly brushed James' hair out of his face. "You're beautiful."

"Kendall, what the fuck did I do to deserve you?" James whispered. "I don't deserve someone so amazing. You could do so much better."

"Don't ever say that again," Kendall said, leaning closer to James, his voice trembling. "You deserve to be treated like a princess." Kendall blushed at his wording. "I wish I could give you the world. But since I can't, I want to... I want to spend forever trying." He took James' hands. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

James looked absolutely shocked. His cheeks were beginning to redden and he stared at Kendall's hopeful smile. "Yes," he whispered. "There is nothing I want more than to be your boyfriend."

"Oh, thank God!" Kendall cried, laughing giddily and jumping into James' arms. He gave James a kiss on the lips and tried to deepen it, but his *_boyfriend!*_ pulled away.

"Don't kiss me, I have horrible breath!"

"I wouldn't care if you had gum disease or hairy tonigue or something!" Kendall grinned.

"Stop it," James smacked Kendall's chest lightly.

"Why?"

"Because you don't mean that. I don't even know why you want me."

"Because you're perfect, James. You're the most beautiful, amazing person I've ever met and I love everything about you," Kendall said insistently. "Please, just... trust me, okay? You don't have to agree with me. But please just believe that I mean everything I say." James bit his lip and gazed up at Kendall.

"Okay," he gave a small smile. "Thank you."

"Of course," Kendall grinned again. "So... Carlos and Logan want us all to have a little talk. Are you up for that?"

"I guess," James sighed.

"Okay, awesome." Kendall grabbed James' wrists and pulled him to his feet. "I'm here. And we love you. You don't have to be scared."

The two of them made their way into the living room where Logan and Carlos were eagerly waiting. Carlos hurried toward James and gave him a bear hug. Logan followed, a bit more awkward, but James appreciated the acceptance and care from his best friends. Logan, Carlos, and Kendall sat down on the couch and Kendall smiled at James and patted the spot next to him. James sat down and Kendall reached for his hand, lacing their fingers together.

"We care about you," Logan began. "And I know this really isn't going to change your opinion, but you're too thin. Before you lost any weight you were thin. I'm... fuck, I'm really jealous of you, James. You're so attractive. And everybody sees it but you." James nodded, staring at his feet.

"You looked really good. Not that you don't now. But you were, like, glowing before," Carlos said. "And we're not just saying this because we love you."

"We mean it," Logan agreed. "Why'd you start purging?" James took a deep, shaky breath and Kendall squeezed his hand and ran his fingers over the back of his neck.

"I really don't feel that comfortable talking about that." James was hunched over and fidgeting.

"James, you have to at least try, okay? Because we're trying really hard here." Logan ran a shaky hand through his hair.

"Logan, it's okay," Kendall said softly. "Wait until he's ready."

"We're going to make some changes," Carlos said. "Like... I'm sorry, but you're definitely going to have less privacy. It's for your own good," he added.

"Yeah, it's only because we love you. And sorry, but I'm gonna be breathing down your neck. All the time," Kendall said, and everyone, even James, laughed. "But I don't think you'll mind that too much, right babe?" James blushed and shoved Kendall lightly, playfully.

"And we're going to be nosy." Logan stared hard at James. "This is going to be really hard. And I know you can't just stop purging cold turky, it's an addiction. So a little relapsing is inevitable. But we're going to do everything we can to prevent that."

"Okay," James whispered. His head suddenly shot up to stare and Logan, Carlos, Kendall. "You're not going to tell Mrs. Knight, are you?"

"Not unless you have another incident like last week," Kendall said.

Logan looked confused and he opened his mouth to ask, but Carlos shoved him, hard, and said,_ "Dude."_

"Thanks, guys," James said slowly. All three were shocked and stared at him wide-eyed. "It means a lot, knowing that someone cares enough to do this. Like, I don't like it. At all. But you're amazing friends. So thanks."

"No problem," Kendall smiled. He patted James on the knee and leaned on him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Reviews would be nice**

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><p>"Kendall," James groaned. He slumped forward at the kitchen table and pushed away his full plate.<p>

"You have to eat or I'm not letting you leave the table," Kendall said softly. "Come on, fish sticks are your favorite." James stared at his plate and finally started picking at his dinner. Mrs. Knight and Katie and the rest of the guys had left the table twenty minutes before and James had just now started to eat. It was frustrating, to say the least.

"Come on, baby," Kendall said. James picked up his fork and started eating slowly, but stopped after a few bites.

"I'm full," he whispered. Kendall let out a heavy sigh and grabbed James' fork. He sectioned a few fish sticks and tater tots, about one third of the food, onto one side of the plate.

"Finish that," Kendall said. "And then you can go." James groaned.

"Do it, buddy. Carlos and I are planning something awesome for tonight," Logan walked in just then, knotting a black and white striped tie around his neck and wearing his classic collared shirt and vest; his going-out clothes.

"What are we doing?" James' ears perked up. He glanced at Kendall, becoming aware that he wasn't dressed up like Logan. Just then Carlos appeared next to Logan, not looking quite as spiffy, but also not wearing his hockey helmet, which was a big deal for him. The plans the two had made must have been pretty awesome.

"You'll see," Kendall winked. "Now hurry up and eat so we can go get ready!" James was actually so curious and excited that he wasn't thinking about the calories and quickly began shoveling down the little portion that Kendall had sectioned out for him. Kendall grinned and patted James on the back.

"Thanks babe," he said quietly. James finally got the last bit of his dinner into his mouth and without even chewing or swallowing, grabbed Kendall's wrist and pulled him to their room.

"What are we doing?" James asked eagerly, already searching through the closet for something to put on.

"Don't tell the guys I told you," Kendall smiled slyly, "But we're going clubbing. To bring back some of that old James Diamond charm." James smiled, a confident, almost cocky smile, and Kendall was thrilled to finally see James happy, if only for a little while.

He finally tore his eyes away from James' grin and started getting ready. He pulled on his tightest black skinny jeans and worn wife beater with some band's logo on it, and finally his signature beanie.

Then he looked at James. The pretty boy was looking just that: pretty. Gorgeous. Hs fitted gray dress shirt stretched perfectly over his broad shoulders and his legsnlooked amazing in a pair of tight, but not painted-on, blue jeans.

"You look amazing," Kendall said, eyes raking hungrily over James' body.

"No, seriously, that's you," James said. His eyes were wide and he was staring blatantly at Kendall's groin in his too-tight skinnies. Kendall laughed breathily, already half-hard.

"We'd better go," he said hurriedly. "We can fool around later." James giggled and as Kendall headed over to the door and held it open for him.

"Are you guys ready to forget everything?" Logan said, winking at James and Kendall as they joined him and Carlos in the living room.

"Nothing even matters," Kendall wiggled his eyebrows.

"So... we're getting smashed?" James observed. The three turned to him, grinning, and nodded.

"You're welcome," Carlos said, sounding more cocky than he ever had. James smiled to make his friends happy. They didn't know. They had no idea.

The whole reason James started purging was because of his drinking habit months ago. Forget dinner, alcohol was what had an insane amount of calories. There was no way in hell that James was going to drink. Sure, it would have been nice to forget everything for the night. But it really wasn't worth the guilt and James knew that.

All the guys cheered and headed to the lobby where they loaded into the car just outside. When the four of them got to the club, Carlos and Logan were out of the car in an instant and hurrying to the entrance.

Kendall waited as James slowly climbed out of the back seat. He grabbed James' hand right away and laced their fingers together. When they reached the door they met up with Logan and Carlos. This was the club the guys always went to, and the bouncers knew them by name. None of the four ever got carded and they were free to drink as much as they wanted, even though none of them were close to being 21 years old.

The bouncer, Laz, let the guys in right away with a curt nod. Kendall, fingers still linked with James', led the both of them in after Logan and Carlos.

The club was pretty huge, with sticky floors and deafeningly loud music. You could literally feel the bass bumping. There was an upper level overlooking the dance floor, and both were filled with sweaty teens bumping and grinding. It smelled like too many people in a crowded room and James hated it. He didn't want to admit it to the guys, though. They wanted to give him a good time and, apparently, bring back that James Diamond charm. Um... were they forgetting that James was in a relationship with Kendall?

Kendall squeezed James' hand and brushed his lips against the boy's ear, saying, "You okay?" James nodded as he realized how somber he must have been looking. "You want to dance?" Kendall asked.

"You're horny," James rolled his eyes, giving more attitude than he had hoped.

"So?" Kendall laughed and squeezed his boyfriend's ass.

"Okay," James gave in. Within seconds he was being pulled onto the dance floor and Kendall was right up against him, pushing his hips forward into James' ass. James didn't want to admit it because of his mood, but he was getting really excited. Kendall was running his hands up and down James' legs, getting dangerously close to his crotch.

"Kendall," James breathed and turned his head to kiss him, hard and sloppy. Kendall whimpered into the kiss and thrusted up into James' ass.

"Your ass is so fucking nice." He had a bruising grip on James' hips and was holding onto him for dear life. "I need more, fuck," he groaned.

"I'd say that we should get out of here, but where would we go?"

"I have an idea," Kendall said, finally letting go of James' hips and leading him through the crowd toward the dingy men's bathroom against the far wall of the dance floor. Before James knew what hit him, he was being pushed into the bathroom and Kendall was locking the heavy door behind them.

James started heading for a stall but Kendall grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back. "It's okay," he said. "Door's locked."

"Oh, okay-Kendall!" James cried. Kendall shoved James up against the counter and wasted no time in tugging off his and James' shirts, then put a hand on James' back to bend him forward. The pretty boy leaned on the counter and stared into the mirror, gazing at Kendall. He had a determined look in his wild green eyes and his cheeks were flushed a deep red.

Kendall's pants were painfully tight and despite how horny he was, he was torn. James didn't seem to be opposed, but there was no way of telling if he was ready to go all the way. Kendall finally just settled on slowly slipping his fingers further and further under the fabric of James' jeans and waiting for an objection. It was one of the most difficult things, having to control himself and not just tear James' clothes off and pound him.

But it was all the couragement Kendall needed when James whined, "Just fucking do it." Kendall pulled those tight jeans off of the boy as fast as he could, not even bothering with unbuttoning them. James pushed his ass back into Kendall's groin, making him groan and his eyes flutter shut.

"Fuck me, Kendall," James growled. He locked gazes with him in the mirror and Kendall groaned embarrassingly loudly and thrust forward, hard. He undid his skinnies as fast as humanly possible and ripped them down, along with his boxers, all the way to his knees. Kendall, fingers dancing around James' entrance, suddenly groaned in frustration.

"What's up?" James asked, impatient.

"We don't have any lube."

"Don't need it," James said. "Just use spit."

"And you know that because...?"

"I've done this before?" James said, stating this as a question, like it was completely obvious.

"Oh," Kendall said quietly. He couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. At first James hadn't even been comfortable with being touched on his chest, but he had let some other guy have sex with him?

"Come on," James urged Kendall on, breaking him out of his thoughts. Kendall spit on his hand and stroked his cock a few times to get himself fully hard again. James reached back and gripped Kendall's cock, then pushed his ass back and lined up the hard length with his entrance, and suddenly Kendall had forgotten all about his jealousy. All he could focus on was the most gorgeous guy he had ever seen, who was currently pushing his ass back onto Kendall's cock. Before he was even in all the way Kendall had concluded that this had to be the best thing he'd ever felt. He was uttering the most pathetic little noises and soon gripping James' hips and pulling him back until his own cock was completely enveloped in the tightness of James' ass.

"You feel so good," Kendall grunted. James moaned in reply and brought his eyes up in the mirror again to meet Kendall's.

"Fuck me, now." He demanded. Kendall gasped and immediately brought back his hips before quickly slamming forward and burying his cock in James' tight heat.

The two simultaneously groaned in pleasure, James reaching one hand around to grip Kendall's ass and pull him forward in encouragement to go harder, the other hand down to roughly jack himself off. Kendall had no problem being completely submissive to James, despite topping at the moment. He was excited beyond belief by James' control and sudden shift into giving orders and topping from the bottom, if you could call it that.

"Go harder, Kendall," James said, voice low. "Right there. _Right fucking there._" Kendall whimpered and complied, hips snapping back before ramming back into James' ass.

"Oh my fucking God, James," Kendall hissed.

"You gonna cum?"

"Soon, yeah." He gripped James' hips harder, but immediately gasped as James reached back and held him in place, moving his own hips at a dangerously slow pace. "James," Kendall whined. "Let me cum, please, I..."

"How much you want it?" James asked, eyeing Kendall in the mirror. Kendall let out a few more desperate little moans and attempted to buck his hips, but James moved forward and away from him. "Tell me how much you want it."

"Jesus Christ," Kendall whined. "I want it so bad, James. I need it, I... fuck." James was rolling his hips just fast enough to keep Kendall on the very edge, but slow enough to keep him from cumming. "Please, fuck, I need to cum. I want it so bad..."

"Well... since you asked nicely." James smirked and instantly began rutting back against Kendall, who groaned and started slamming into him full-force. Kendall didn't last long after that, exploding into James and finishing with a shuddering moan.

When Kendall finally calmed down from is intense orgasm and realized he hadn't helped James finish, he quickly pulled out and wrapped a hand around his boyfriend's cock. He jacked James off roughly and pulled him up by the hair from where he had been leaning on the counter. James whimpered as Kendall began biting and sucking at the skin of his neck and tweaking his nipples, finally punching one hard and tugging at it.

"Kendall," James hissed. His breathing was becoming increasingly shallow and coming out in gasps, as he grunted out something about cumming. Kendall stroked James' cock faster until he came hard, his seed splattering on the bathroom counter and mirror. Kendall continued to place tender kisses to James' neck and shoulders as he came down from his high.

"That was amazing," James breathed. Kendall's lips curled up into a smile and he ran gentle hands up and down his boyfriend's sides.

"Agreed."

The two leisurely cleaned up and got dressed, Kendall wiping James' semen off the mirror and counter with a paper towel. He pulled James in for a slow, sensual kiss that was quickly interrupted.

"Ugh, fuck," James groaned, feeling his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out and looked at the screen. "Logan." He pressed talk and held the phone up to his ear. "Hello?"

Kendall leaned closer and heard Logan's worried voice, "Dude, where are you guys? We haven't been able to find you or Kendall for the past hour!"

"Wow," James smirked. "I'm surprised you aren't _smashed_ by now." There was a silence on the other end.

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, no... sorry. Kendall and I have been on the floor the whole time, you probably just missed us."

"Then why don't I hear music?" Logan asked and James froze.

"Um..." he stuttered, sending a panicked glance Kendall's way. "We stepped outside for a minute. Where do you want us to meet you?"

"Just come to the entrance, we're probably going to head home soon. If that's okay with you guys."

"That's fine," James said. "See you, Logan," and he hung up before Logan got a chance to reply.

"Smooth," Kendall laughed, ruffling James' already messy hair.

"Was I that obvious?" James bit his lip.

"Naw, you're fine. Let's go meet them." Kendall grabbed his hand and the two made their way out of the bathroom.

"Oh, and by the way, that was _way_ better than my first time." James squeezed his hand lovingly, but the smile melted right off of Kendall's face. He had forgotten all about what James had told him earlier, but now he was feeling the envy and frustration flood back.

Kendall was silent all the way to the door to meet the guys, the entire car ride home, and all during his typical bedtime ritual. Carlos and Logan were tipsy, Carlos a bit more gone, so they didn't notice anything strange. When he was finally settling into bed about to go to sleep, James walked in and saw Kendall sitting on his bed completely still, his eyes clouded over and an undefinable expression on his face. James sat down by him and put a hand on his arm. Kendall shrunk back and James frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing."

Kendall sighed. "I don't want to talk about it." James stared at the ground, a sick feeling setting in the pit of his stomach.

"Do you regret having sex with me?" he asked as if Kendall had already confirmed it.

"No," Kendall said immediately, face snapping up to look at James. "That's definitely not it."

"Well then what is it?" James' hands were shaking pretty hard and Kendall sighed and took them in his own. He had to tell James now, whether he liked it or not.

"Who did you have sex with?" he finally asked. Now it was James' turn to abruptly look toward him.

"W-What?"

"Who did you have sex with." Kendall's glassy eyes were overtaken with worry and hurt. His sympathy was gone and now all he wanted was just to know who had taken James' virginity so he could beat their fucking ass and hopefully relieve himself of at least some of the pain. Half of him knew that it wasn't his place to get mad or upset about what James had done before they had been together, but Kendall just couldn't shake his hurt and jealousy.

"James swallowed hard. "It was back in Minnesota. Just one guy," he said hurriedly. Kendall nodded solemnly. "And I didn't love him, I swear," James continued, as if that was supposed to fucking help how Kendall was feeling. That only made it worse. Kendall knew he shouldn't ask, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"Do you love me?"

James looked at his lap, biting his lip in thought, and then stared up into Kendall's broken, sad green eyes that were brimming with tears. "Yes," he said, with such sincerity that Kendall's flood gates fell and he broke down crying. James immediately cupped Kendall's cheek and brought him into a deep kiss. Kendall was whimpering and James' face had become wet with the other's tears, but neither of them pulled back, just kissed with more passion and need. Their hands were all over each other, knotted in the other's hair and clothes, gripping each other's faces.

"I love you," Kendall murmured into the kiss. "Always have." James moaned in response and gripped Kendall harder.

"We going for round two?" James asked. Kendall pulled back a little and smiled, still teary-eyed.

"I think I just want to be close to you right now."

James nodded and wrapped comforting arms around Kendall. He pulled Kendall down to lay with him, and he rested his head on James' chest. It felt odd for James to be the one comforting Kendall and not the other way around, but it was nice. The two of them fell asleep like that, tangled in each other's limbs and this was probably the most peacefully James had ever slept.


	8. Chapter 8

**Reviews would be nice.**

**Another thing: If you guys didn't know, an Emetic is a liquid you get at a drug store that induces vomit, like in the case of a child swallowing poison.**

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><p>Over the next few weeks, Kendall built James up every chance he got. At first James dismissed it completely, appreciating his boyfriend's effort but not believing a word of it. But when Kendall continued to consistently call James beautiful and hold him and stay by his side, he began to believe.<p>

James' eating had improved quite a bit too. He'd only thrown up 3 times in 2 weeks and the guys were all really proud and supportive. Kendall hid the scale to keep James from obsessing about his weight, and it seemed to be working. James had gained a bit of weight and was starting to get his glow back.

Until one day when James was finishing a bowl of cereal in the kitchen and Carlos greeted him with a big grin on his face. "James! You look so healthy!"

"Umm..." he said, the color draining from his face.

"I'm so happy you've gained weight, you look so much healthier." Carlos patted James on the back. James dropped the spoon he'd been holding, an obnoxious, hollow clang sound ringing through the room.

In seconds James was in the bathroom on his knees, leaning over the toilet. The guys had followed through on getting the lock taken off the bathroom door, so James could only hope that nobody would walk in.

He wasn't so lucky.

"James," Kendall cried, having heard right away, and rushed into the bathroom. He knelt next to his friend, who had a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face, and gently pulled him away from the toilet. Kendall immediately cradled him and whispered soothing words into his hair.

"I hate myself, I hate myself..." James said over and over again.

"No, baby, you're beautiful," Kendall contradicted forcefully. He squeezed James harder and began rocking him. "You have to come to me, okay? You have to come tell me. I want to help you. You're beautiful, baby, everything about you. Inside and out. Please believe me. Please."

James sat in Kendall's arms silently. He wanted to believe it so badly, but when he looked in the mirror, he just couldn't. "I'm gonna go for a walk." James stood up and started to leave.

"You're not going anywhere." Kendall followed and wrapped protective arms around his boyfriend, hugging him from behind.

"Please leave me alone," James said quietly as he detached himself from Kendall's grasp.

"I'm not letting you leave my sight. You're dangerous to yourself right now." Kendall looked really upset and worried and James felt guilty. But not guilty enough to stop himself from throwing up. He wished there was a way that he could throw up without looking like he was doing it on purpose. But... maybe there was.

James sat with Kendall for a few hours, allowing his boyfriend to believe that he was being distracted and calming down. James was an amazing actor. When Kendall finally relaxed and decided that James wasn't dangerous to himself anymore, the brunette ceased the opportunity and left the apartment. He jumped in the car and headed straight for the nearest CVS Pharmacy.

The bell on the door rang loudly through the store as James entered. He cautiously eyed the other shoppers, who glanced up but immediately became absorbed again in whatever they were doing. He hurried toward the drug isle, skimming past the Pepto and Advil and searching desperately.

"Need help finding anything?" a deep male voice startled James out of his thoughts and he turned abruptly toward the man. The clerk was young, a guy of maybe twenty years old with golden hair and muscles. He was hot, anybody would have realized that.

"I-I need an Emetic," James stuttered, becoming even more embarrassed than he already had been because of the gorgeous clerk standing in front of him. He felt a pang of pain in his chest, the feeling of unworthiness flooding over him.

"You in a hurry? If there's an emergency, I can call poison control," the guy offered.

"No," James said loudly and a little too quickly. "I just... m-my little brother... keeps... getting into the medicine cabinet. Just being cautious."

"Okay," the man said, friendly smile on his face in an attempt to ease James' nerves. He knelt next to a shelf and scanned the bottles of medication. Selecting one and pulling it out, he handed it to James. "This look about right?"

James took the bottle and carefully read the label: _Enduces vomiting. Call poison control immediately if toxic chemicals are ingested and take as instructed by paramedics. _"Yeah, this is good."

"Okay, you ready to check out?" the clerk asked as he stood up and faced James, deliberately holding eye contact. The guy's eyes were a deep brown, endearing and flirty. James thought of a certain set of green eyes, shining with life, and wasn't phased by the clerk's good looks anymore.

"Yup." He followed him up to the register and pulled out his wallet.

"Can I see your ID?" the clerk asked. James nodded and handed over his driver's license, watching as the blond's eyes immediately widened. "James Diamond. I thought I knew you from somewhere. Your band rocks, man!"

"Thanks." James gave a small smile.

"You're a little more shy in person than I thought you'd be."

James blushed and the guy added, "It's not a bad thing, sometimes shy is cute." He winked. James stood silently as he waited to pay, and eventually pulled out the money and handed it to the guy. "I'm Matthew, by the way," he said as he handed James his change and the bottle of meds. "If you ever want to, you know, go for a coffee or something..." He scribbled his number on the back of James' recept and handed it over. James nodded and offered a tight smile.

He must have sat in his car after that for a solid half hour, give or take, reading the info on the bottle of the Emetic over and over. He couldn't believe how smart he was to think of this. It would totally just look like he had the stomach flu. Finally, James shoved the Emetic and receipt deep in the pocket of his jeans and drove as fast as he could back to the Palmwoods.

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><p>"James!" Kendall yelled as he ran into the TV room. "What did we just talk about?" James was laying on the couch, red in the face, a bowl on the ground next to him. Kendall had hurried over at the sound of vomiting.<p>

"He's sick, Kendall," Carlos said. He was sitting next to James on the couch with the groaning brunette's feet in his lap. "It's not what you think, really." Kendall's face softened and he rushed to James' side.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stroking his boyfriend's cheek gently. James groaned in response and scrunched his body up into the fetal position. Without warning he leaned forward and heaved, and Kendall was quick to pick up the bowl and hold it in front of him. When he was finished Kendall wiped his James' with the bottom of his own shirt. "Want me to take you to our room?" he asked gently.

"I can't move, it'll make me dizzy," James whined. "Just sit with me."

"Okay. I'll be right back." Kendall hurried around the apartment and then joined James again with a heavy blanket and a glass of water. He covered James with the blanket and handed him the glass of water. "Rinse and spit," Kendall told James, holding the bowl in front of him again. The brunette did as he was told and then rolled over, his back facing Kendall. He groaned quietly and Kendall frowned. He turned to Logan and Carlos. "When did he start throwing up?"

"Well, ever since I woke up. At like 9:00. But I don't know how long before that he started," Carlos answered.

"How long, babe?" Kendall asked James, who groaned in response. _"James."_

"I don't know," he said quietly. Kendall took a seat on the couch next to James and stroked his back gently. "Can I cuddle with you?" he asked quietly, and his boyfriend nodded.

There was no getting around it: James felt so guilty that it was agonizing. He hated how sweet Kendall was being because he was completely lying to the guy who had to be the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world. But again, to James, that was exactly why he had to keep up the purging. Kendall deserved the perfect guy, somebody beautiful. And how the fuck could James be beautiful if he was fat?

Instead of welcoming Kendall's touch, James shyed away from it. Somehow he began wishing that he hadn't taken so much of the Emetic. He'd practically _overdosed_ on it, and he couldn't deny that he was scared. But not scared enough to stop. It's not like throwing up could kill him... right?

James slowly relaxed into Kendall and started drifting off to sleep, since he had woken up around two in the morning to take the Emetic privately and then had been awake for the rest of the night. He was absolutely exhausted and was out cold in almost no time at all.

"Logan, Carlos?" Kendall asked quietly, "Can you guys come over here?" Both of them headed over to Kendall and James and plopped down on the ground next to the couch.

"Weird, huh?" Carlos said with a gesture toward James. "Do you think something's seriously wrong with him?"

Well..." Logan started, voice somber. "I read up on this a little bit, and sometimes when a person induces vomiting _so much_... their body's automatic response to food becomes bringing it back up. Like, without even trying to throw up." Both boys' eyes widened and Kendall stood abruptly, James groaning softly but remaining asleep.

"I'm calling an ambulance," Kendall said with more determination in his voice than his two friends had ever heard.

"Kendall," Logan objected, grabbing his arm.

"What!" the blond boomed. James rolled over and sat up abruptly.

"What's going on?" he croaked, voice still raspy from vomit and sleep. Kendall pulled away from Logan roughly and marched toward the kitchen.

"I'm ending this shit once and for all. Finally doing the right thing," came his answer.

"Kendall!" James squeaked, jumping up from the couch and half-running, half-stumbling into the kitchen where Kendall had already snatched up the phone from the charger. "Kendall!"

"What, James!" Kendall whirled around. His nostrils flared and his face was beet red and James stumbled backward a bit. "You wanna make me keep this a secret even longer? Until you're dead? Fuck no, James."

"Kendall, you don't understand, it's... it's probably just a stomach bug..."

"You know what Logan just told me?" Kendall began, stepping closer and getting in James' face. "When a bulimic throws up enough times their body starts bringing back up everything they eat." James' face went white. He realized that he had two choices: tell the truth and completely destroy his and Kendall's relationship, or get sent to the hospital and be stuck in some bed with an IV, only to be sent to some fucking home after. But Kendall's words also made him think. Could that be true? It was scary to think about, but James reassured himself by remembering that he was too fat to even be close to getting sick from his disorder. Only skinny people can die from malnutrition.

James swallowed hard. "I'm fine," he said, voice trembling. A vein was pulsing in Kendall's neck and he looked like he was about to start yelling again, so Logan interjected.

"Kendall." He grabbed his friend by the shoulders and pulled him back a bit. "Come on. Let's wait a couple days. We don't know anything for sure yet." Kendall gave Logan a once-over before his facial expression softened and he took a step toward James, who cowered slightly.

"It's okay, Jamie. Come here." James sank into Kendall's awaiting arms. "I'm just so worried about you."

"You don't have to worry." James nuzzled him. "I'll be okay. I'm getting better. You know I'm getting better." Kendall nodded distractedly.

"I hope so."

* * *

><p>"Fuck, Kendall," James gasped, revelling in the feeling of Kendall sucking and biting at his collarbone. Kendall let out a low laugh against James' lips.<p>

"Yes?" he teased. James moaned and reached for the hem of his own shirt. "No, James." Kendall grabbed his hands to stop him.

"What?"

"Let's not do this, okay?" Kendall's heart sank when he saw the hurt look in James' eyes. "Baby, you're sick right now. This isn't really the time for that, you know?"

"But, I mean, we haven't for a while..." James murmured, starting on the buttons on Kendall's flannel shirt.

"James," Kendall warned. "No." James' eyes glazed over as they searched Kendall's face.

"Okay," he whispered. James crawled off of his bed, Kendall still situated there, and stood. He tugged off the tee-shirt he was wearing and headed toward the bathroom. Kendall sat silently, listening as James started the shower. James was extremely fragile right now and the last thing Kendall wanted to do was make him even more insecure by rejecting him. But at the same time, James' fragile state was exactly why the two shouldn't be fooling around.

Kendall growled in frustration and buried his face in a pillow and was instantly overwhelmed with James' scent on the fabric. He felt a pang of something in his chest, not quite sure what it was. But he instantly needed James, craved the feel of his long fingers on his skin, needed to taste him.

In the bathroom, James had started the shower and tossed his shirt on the floor. He stared in the mirror. The emetic had really worked. James had lost all the weight he had gained back and more. But was he still that ugly that Kendall would turn down sex with him? He must have been, because seriously, what guy ever turned down sex?

James remembered what was in his pocket right before he tugged off his jeans: the jeans he wore when he bought the puke meds. He pulled the receipt out of his pocket and stared at Matthew's phone number. Would Matthew ever turn down sex with James? He seemed to be really into him. James sighed. Kendall was the only guy he could ever want. He had to be good enough for Kendall. There was no way James could ever handle it if he wasn't. He pulled his jeans off and hastily shoved the receipt half-into one of the pockets, and then let the jeans fall to the floor. James stepped into the now steamy shower.

Kendall got up from his seat on the bed and headed to the bathroom. He opened the door and watched James' tan figure behind the blurred glass shower door, sighing shakily.

**(just so you know, this scene will be continued in the next chapter. chyeah.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay guys, AN UPDATE. I adore this chapter. First of all, smut. Yesssss. Second, a ton happens. Like a ton. And the chapter isn't even that long. So it's pretty intense! ;) I have the entire rest of the fic planned out and there will proooobably be like 3 or 4 more chapters? I don't know though, because a ton still has to happen. Haha but yupp, READ.**

**Reviews would be amazing.**

* * *

><p>Kendall got up from his seat on the bed and headed to the bathroom. He opened the door and watched James' tan figure behind the blurred glass shower door, sighing shakily. He cautiously undressed and left his clothes on the floor. He inched toward the shower and opened the door slowly. Judging by James' uninterrupted harsh scrubbing at his scalp, he didn't notice. Kendall stepped into the shower and slowly wrapped his arms around James from behind and James instantly tensed.<p>

"Kendall?" he asked quietly, voice trembling. He turned around and gazed at Kendall, eyes wide.

"Your hair," Kendall laughed, staring at the shampoo-ey frizzball in front of him. James yelped and instantly leaned into the stream of water from the shower, furiously scrubbing the shampoo out of his hair. He felt gentle hands lovingly touching his back and when he turned back around, he froze; Kendall was staring at him with this look of longing and just absolute... love.

"Kendall," James said.

"James." The blond stepped closer and pulled James tight against him. "I love you." James didn't even have time to reply because just then Kendall was pulling him into a deep, loving kiss that was already sending electricity to James' groin. He put both hands on Kendall's hips and gently rubbed at his sides, slowly traveling lower.

"You're so fucking perfect, Kendall," James whimpered and Kendall groaned into the kiss.

"Touch me," Kendall practically sobbed. "Just touch me, James."

James gripped Kendall and ran his hands all over him. The two were clinging to each other and kissing with an intense, insatiable need. James gripped his boyfriend's ass and trailed his fingers down to his asshole and Kendall was instantly keening. He pulled James flush against him and ground their cocks together, both boys groaning. James cautiously pushed a finger into Kendall's entrance and felt him totally tense up. "This'll feel amazing," James murmured, "I promise." Kendall relaxed a bit but kept a firm grip on James' shoulders. James pushed his finger in all the way to the second knuckle and gently penetrated Kendall.

After a little while he added a second finger and the moment he started scissoring, Kendall began uttering a slur of, _"God, James,"_ and "_fuckfuckfuck..._" James felt Kendall's cock pulse against his thigh and his own was quickly becoming painfully hard. James fucked Kendall faster with his fingers and when it became too much for Kendall, he pulled away and grabbed James' wrist. James stumbled after his boyfriend out of the shower, the two of them too concentrated on the situation to even remember to turn the water off.

Kendall bent over the sink counter and gripped his own ass, spreading himself for James. "Fuck me." He looked back at James and stared him down, daring him to come closer. James took a deep breath and gripped the base of his cock in an attempt to calm himself down. Truth be told, James didn't think he'd last much longer than a minute.

James lined himself up with Kendall's asshole and began slowly pushing his cock in. He gripped the creamy skin of Kendall's hips and ass as he pushed forward and started becoming lightheaded with pleasure. Kendall's heat pulsing around him was fucking amazing and okay, he'd be lucky if he lasted thirty seconds. Kendall ground his teeth together and squeezed his eyes shut as James inched his way in. When James was all the way in he whispered, "You okay, babe?" Kendall nodded and grunted to James to continue. James pulled back before thrusting forward again, soon building up a steady rhythm. He was a bit worried that Kendall wasn't enjoying this until he heard Kendall's strangled cry of, "A-Again! Right there..."

James angled himself to hit that same spot and eagerly complied, slamming into Kendall hard. Kendall cried out louder this time and gripped the counter beneath him.

"Oh, f-f-_fuck_, so good, oh my _God_..." Kendall hissed. James felt himself getting close to the edge but, determined to continue making Kendall scream, willed himself to keep going. He was slamming into Kendall with such force that the blond was absolutely _sobbing_. James was panting heavily and knew that he couldn't hold off his orgasm much longer. He reached forward and grabbed his boyfriend's cock and, imitating what Kendall had done during their first time, pulled Kendall up by his hair.

James pumped Kendall's cock and tugged at his hair, pulling his head back to rest on James' shoulder. "Cum for me, Kendall," he growled into the blond's ear, and that was all it took. Kendall cried out and erupted and seeing Kendall's face in the mirror, James finally lost it. The two came simultaneously, Kendall's cum spurting onto the bathroom counter and James' painting Kendall's insides white.

James gripped Kendall so hard while riding out his orgasm, he was sure he'd leave bruises on Kendall's perfect pale skin. Kendall was panting and sweating buckets, leaning on James with all his weight. There was a beautiful, serene silence in the room and neither boys wanted to break it.

James was the first to speak. "I didn't think I could ever love anyone this much." Kendall lifted his head and gazed lovingly at James.

"I did," he replied, and James cocked an eyebrow. "Because I've always loved you this much." James laughed and gave Kendall a squeeze. He reluctantly pulled away and grabbed a few towels out of the bathroom closet, tossing one to Kendall. The two dried themselves off and James turned off the shower and wiped the cum off the counter. They giggled the whole time, somehow giddy after such an intense session of lovemaking.

"I'm gonna go get dressed," James said. "Can you do me a huge favor?"

"Sure," Kendall smiled.

"Take the clothes and towels in here down to the laundry room?"

"_James_," Kendall groaned. "Can't it wait?"

"There's jizz on the towels," James said after a moment, and Kendall had to agree.

"Fine," he sighed dramatically and winked at James. "I'm pretty sure I should get dressed before I do that, though."

"Probably," James smiled.

* * *

><p>Kendall leand over and snatched up his and James' clothes and towels, throwing them into the laundry basket before heading out of 2J to take them to the laundry room. He was still in the afterglow of sex, practically walking on air. He loved James so much, and cared about him more than anyone else in the world. And he wanted nothing more than James' happiness. If Kendall had to spend the rest of his life right at James' side making him feel beautiful, he was more than willing to do just that.<p>

Kendall set the basket on top of the first washing machine and pulled out his phone, typing out a quick 'I love you' text to James. He opened the washing machine and threw both shirts and the towel inside before grabbing his jeans and feeling around in the pockets. Kendall pulled out a twenty and mentally cheered. After putting his jeans in he reached for James'. Touching the pockets, he snickered to himself at the feeling of something crinkled in one of them. He was debating whether or not to swipe it if it was money.

Instead, Kendall found a crumpled-up receipt. He squinted at the tiny print but could make out what had been purchased: an Emetic. When Katie was little and drank an entire bottle of cough syrup, his mom had to speed to the pharmacy to get her one.

Seeing writing through the thin paper, Kendall turned over the receipt. His jaw literally dropped. _'555-0809, Matthew'_, with a tiny little heart after the name. A fucking heart.

Kendall's blood ran cold. For a while he stood completely still, staring at the little piece of paper in his hand that to anybody else would be just a receipt. To think that Kendall may have never even seen the receipt, had he not been cleaning up James' fucking mess; just like how he cleaned up all of James' enormous, destructive messes before. It was ironic really; James' smallest mess, the tiniest error he'd made by leaving the receipt in his pocket, had just completely shattered Kendall's trust for him. The trust that was left.

Kendall was shaking. He had never felt so betrayed in his life.

The first thought that ran through Kendall's head was to just get the fuck out of there. Talking to James didn't even cross his mind. He didn't want to see James' fucking face.

Kendall balled up the receipt in his fist and dropped in the laundry basket. He turned and left, leaving the laundry behind and the washing machine wide open.

* * *

><p>"Anybody seen Kendall?" James asked, poking his head into the TV room. Mrs. Knight was sitting on the couch with a magazine and peeked up at James.<p>

"No, honey, he left with the laundry about an hour ago, but I haven't seen him since. Did you need something?" She set the magazine aside and gazed comfortingly at James. Logan and Carlos put down their video game controllers and looked at each other.

"No, I'm fine," James smiled. "He probably just... got distracted along the way or something."

Mrs. Knight smiled back. "I'm sure he'll be back soon."

Carlos pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Kendall asking where he'd run off to, because this clearly wasn't a good sign. James was trying his best not to worry, but it was pretty difficult.

He anxiously waited for another hour and when Kendall still hadn't returned, he excused himself to check on the laundry. James practically sprinted to the laundry room and burst in, looking around the tiny space futilely for Kendall. He spotted the forgotten laundry and walked toward it, wondering why in the world Kendall would have just left it there.

He found his answer. There, crumpled up in the laundry basket, was the receipt.

James immediately pulled out his phone, finding the text that Kendall had sent him just minutes after leaving the apartment. His heart was racing and his palms were sweating and he swore he was going to throw up.

James dialed Kendall's number but either his phone was off or he had set his phone to send James' calls straight to voicemail. After the beep, James began talking a mile a minute: "Kendall, it's not what it looks like... p-please, just give me a chance to explain. I didn't call Matthew. I didn't ask for his number either. He just wrote it there. A-And I just want you to come home so we can work this out. Please come home." James was about to hang up but added, "I love you."

He didn't know where to go from there. He could keep calling Kendall, but Kendall obviously didn't want to talk to him. James could not let this end their relationship, he just really couldn't. Kendall was all James had to live for.


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm insanely surprised at how fast I updated! But I was really excited to write this chapter, like you have no idea. I'm getting so into writing this! ^_^ This chapter is intense. Like really intense. And I hope you guys love it!**

**Over and out.**

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><p>Kendall pulled over into the parking lot of a movie theater, just needing somewhere to stop. He had been driving aimlessly for the past hour and finally his hands and wrists started to hurt from gripping the steering wheel so hard. He was shaking and finally just leaned over and started crying. His face was contorted in hurt and he just couldn't stop sobbing. Kendall didn't dare turn on his phone. He couldn't handle talking to James after being hurt so badly.<p>

But what hurt the most was how much Kendall had put into this. He had been there for James from the very beginning, and still James wanted this other guy?

Kendall suddenly shifted into reverse and sped up out of the parking lot. He drove with insane focus and within minutes was pulling into the parking lot of the dance club: the one where James and Kendall had made love for the first time. The sound of him slamming the car door shut rang through the quiet darkness of the parking lot, overpowering the faint beat of the music from inside. Kendall stalked toward the club and walked right in without so much as glancing at the bouncer, Laz.

The bar was crowded with guys hanging around and buying drinks, hitting on girls that were sitting cutely on bar stools with their legs crossed like little ladies. The floor, as usual, was sticky with spilled drinks and the music was deafening. But Kendall focused on the bar, searching with purpose. One particular guy caught Kendall's eye; he was tan and some kind of exotic (Armenian, maybe?) with jet-black hair. He was short and just all-around tiny with the nicest ass Kendall had seen in a while.

Probably feeling eyes on him, the guy turned and glanced around, his gaze falling on Kendall. Kendall awkwardly looked at his feet in embarrassment. But finally deciding to stop being a pussy, and driven by blind rage and determination to get back at the boy who broke his heart, Kendall headed toward the bar.

He stepped up next to the tan guy and ordered a beer. After a moment of deliberately staring straight ahead, Kendall felt a soft hand on his wrist. He glanced up.

"Hey," the tan guy smiled shyly. "Kendall Knight, correct?"

"Yeah," he answered, trying not to get a big head after being recognized. "And you?"

"I'm Danny." This Danny guy had an adorable smile and Kendall found himself leaning closer. For some reason he was at a loss for words and couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound too weird. He awkwardly stared at his hands.

"Hey, you okay?" Danny ran a hand over Kendall's shoulder and Kendall shrugged. "Wanna get out of here?"

* * *

><p>"You smoke?"<p>

"Sometimes," Kendall shrugged and took the cigarette from Danny's hand. Sitting in the passenger seat of Danny's car in the middle of the parking lot wasn't much better of an environment than inside the club, but at least it was less overwhelming.

"God," Danny sighed, lighting a cigarette for himself. He tilted his head back and Kendall stared at him, watching his perfect profile and defined Adam's apple. "I don't know why I came here tonight. My ex is always prowling around the place."

"Oh really?" Kendall mused.

"Yeah, he's a real dick. I mean, hot. Really hot. But a dick. It's awkward seeing him. But I can't really stay away." Danny shrugged. Kendall nodded slowly and sucked hard on the cigarette. He blew the smoke out almost directly in Danny's face and Danny laughed.

"Why are you here?" His eyes searched Kendall's face and he had on this kind of faraway smile.

"My boy-" Kendall stopped. Was James still his boyfriend? Were they done? "This guy. He's a real piece of work, you know? But I still want him. I just... I want to make things better for him, be everything he needs."

"Well, Kendall Knight," Danny smiled. "Is that what he wants?"

"What do you mean?" Kendall scowled.

"I mean, does he want help? Whatever's wrong, I mean... does he want to get better?"

There was a silence and in Kendall's world, everything froze. He realized in that moment why none of his efforts had payed off. "No," he answered. "James doesn't want help."

"Then you can't help him," Danny said quietly, tenderly placing a hand on Kendall's. "It's okay to love him and care about him and want the best for him. But you also gotta do you, you know?"

The air outside smelled nice and Kendall suddenly felt smothered by all the smoke in the car. Despite the open window, Kendall opened the door. He threw the cigarette on the ground and squashed it with his foot. Neither boys said anything for a few moments and Kendall was glad that Danny was being so understanding about everything. He was sitting there patiently, seeming perfectly content.

Kendall finally pulled the car door shut and turned back toward Danny. "I guess I wasn't supposed to tell anybody about me and James..."

"Your secret's safe with me." Danny grinned. He paused, and then added, "honestly, I'm just jealous of James now."

Kendall's heart sped up. "Really?"

"Of course." Danny leaned closer and laid a hand on Kendall's shoulder. Kendall stared up at Danny from under his eyelashes and leaned in, Danny holding Kendall's face and drawing him in further. Their lips finally touched Kendall's mind instantly went blank. The kiss was sweet and slow and Danny was being just the right amount of gentle.

Kendall whimpered, but not out of pleasure. Kissing Danny didn't feel wrong, it was just that doing this with someone other than James wasn't okay with him. He felt lost and upset and being with someone who was so caring and gentle just reminded him of what James had done. It absolutely killed Kendall that after everything that he went threw with James, he knew that he would still love him. Kendall slowly pulled away.

"I can't," he said softly. Danny looked confused but didn't object. "I can't do this to James. He lies and he's horrible in relationships and... and he's just a huge pain in the ass. But I love him." Kendall shook his head. "I can't." He found himself completely unable to meet Danny's eyes.

"Kendall," Danny said softly, "It's okay. Hey, did you hear me? I'm not mad." He brought Kendall's face up to meet his and smiled.

"Thank you. You're amazing, you know that?"

Danny blushed and stared at his lap. "Need a ride home?"

"I drove here, I gotta get my car back to the hotel somehow," Kendall answered. He started opening the car door, and then stopped. "Thanks again, man. And... If I wasn't with James, I'd be all over you." He shot Danny a little smile and stepped out of the car, shutting the door and giving a wave. Kendall walked to his car slowly and when he reached it, slumped into the driver's seat. Where should he go now? Going back to the crib wasn't even an option, as far as Kendall was concerned. He knew he'd have to go back eventually, but right now wasn't the time.

Kendall laid back in the seat and squeezed his eyes shut. The day was really taking a toll on him and he didn't want to have to think about anything at that moment. He locked the doors and let himself drift off to sleep, knowing that he wouldn't have gone back to the apartment anyway.

When Kendall woke up it wasn't dark outside anymore. He hurriedly turned the car on and gasped when he saw that it was 7 AM.

Kendall pulled out his phone and finally turned it on, figuring he should at least call his mother and let her know he was okay. The second his phone was on he was overloaded with so many text message and voicemail notifications that it must have buzzed for a solid minute, at least. Kendall rolled his eyes and opened his inbox. Wow, twelve messages? Really? And six of them were from James. Kendall ignored James' texts and went through the others.

Carlos: _where did u go_

Logan: _call me right now._

Mom:_ Sweetheart, please call me_

Logan: _okay why is james crying now_

Logan: _dude this isn't funny._

Mom: _Are u okay?_

Kendall immediately dialed his mom's number, feeling extremely guilty for worrying her because of his stupid temper. She picked up on the first ring.

_"Kendall, where are you? Do you know that it's seven in the morning? James is a wreck... will you please tell me what's going on?"_

"Mom... I just had to get out of the house because I was kind of... _really_ pissed off." Kendall sighed.

_"Why is James crying? He hasn't stopped since you left. I need to know what's going on between you two, okay?"_

"Mom, James is..."

He couldn't bring himself to rat James out. No matter how much he'd wanted to all along, he just couldn't tell his mom about James' eating disorder. "I'm gay." Woah, did he really just say that?

There was a silence on the other end of the phone. Kendall waited anxiously and clutched his phone to his ear. "I-I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear-"

_"Are you and James together?"_

"Yes," Kendall breathed, dropping his head to the steering wheel.

_"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Is that why James is upset? Did you two get in a fight?"_

"...You-you don't mind?"

_"Kendall, I love you. You know that."_

"But-"

_"You're my son! Being gay doesn't make you a different person. I mean, of course it'll take some getting used to, but... I'll love you no matter what. Remember that, okay?"_

Kendall couldn't keep the goofy smile off his face. "Wow, Mom. Thanks."

_"Of course. Are you coming home soon?"_

"Yeah, I'll come by right now. But I'm not staying. I can't even look at James."

_"Kendall, don't you think that you should try to patch things up with him?"_

"No. I'll be right over, okay?" Kendall hung up the phone without waiting for an answer and tossed it onto the passenger seat. He sat brooding for a little while but couldn't keep from glancing at his phone. Kendall's fingers were itching to snatch it up and read the texts from James. Even if he didn't reply to them, he had to know what James had said. He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead, stressed out of his mind.

Kendall forced himself to drive away without reading the texts.

* * *

><p>Kendall knocked on the door to apartment 2J and in a millisecond his mom was opening the door and pulling him in.<p>

"Kendall, you look awful! And..." she sniffed his hoodie, "Have you been smoking?"

"Mom," Kendall sighed.

"Are you okay?" Mrs. Knight ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"Yes. I'm fine. Where's James?"

"Still sleeping. Sit down for a little while, we can talk..."

Kendall walked away. He felt extremely guilty leaving his mom hanging, especially after how accepting she had been with him. She only wanted to help. But the sooner Kendall packed up his shit, the sooner he could get out of there. He marched to his and James' room and paused in front of the door.

After a few calming breaths, he pushed open the door and headed straight for the closet. Much to Kendall's dismay, James wasn't asleep. Quite the opposite.

The brunette was sitting cross-legged on his bed, eyes bloodshot and face completely pale. "Kendall," he squeaked. Kendall tried his best not to look at James, because if he did, he probably would have caved. Without answering, Kendall reached up to a shelf and grabbed his hockey duffel bag.

"Kendall," James said again, but this time his voice was shaking. He sounded like he could have started bawling at any second.

"What," Kendall answered. He tried keeping his voice neutral because even though he was absolutely fuming, hearing James this upset was breaking his heart.

"Please let me explain..."

"Explain what." Kendall whirled around. "Your _stomach flu_? Or how about _Matthew_?" James' lips quivered and he stared at his lap. "That's what I fucking thought."

For a while Kendall packed in silence and James started crying softly. The sound of him sniffling literally made Kendall's heart hurt and he was _so close_ to just forgiving James and wrapping him up in his arms until James wasn't hurting anymore. But Kendall knew that he couldn't. James couldn't be trusted. The two had been friends since middle school and they had countless memories together, but he was convinced that James wasn't capable of honesty.

"I love you," James whispered. Kendall felt tears prickling the corners of his eyes and he squeezed his eyes shut for the millionth time that day.

"Stop."

"I can't live without you." And now James was crying again, this time seriously sobbing, and Kendall had to get out of there. Hearing the boy he loved so completely distressed hurt even more than being lied to. Kendall zipped the duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. He started for the door but stopped when he heard James pleading from behind him, "Please don't leave, please..."

"Why," Kendall said, and his voice broke, and he couldn't stand being so vulnerable. He didn't want James to know how much seeing him like this was affecting him.

"I don't know." James was bawling and just like that, Kendall opened the door and left. He walked out of the apartment and didn't look back. Kendall really tried to be strong. He _really_ tried. But when he got into his car he couldn't take it anymore and finally went to his inbox. One by one, he opened the text messages from James.

James: _Kendall come home._

James: _I can't think straight, I need you_

James: _I'm the biggest dumbass in the entire world and I don't know how to make it up to you but i'll do anything in the world_

James: _I love you_

James: _I love you so much_

James: _I've always loved you, always_

Kendall felt hot tears on his cheeks and went through the texts over and over and over again. He remembered the voicemails that had been left for him and couldn't stop himself from listening to them.

James had left three, and his mom and the guys had left a few, but of course Kendall only listened to James'. By the end of the last message from James, Kendall was bawling and sniffling and an absolute mess. Why the fuck did James have to go and do something like that? The two of them were such a good team and James had started to get better. And who the fuck was this Matthew guy?

Kendall was gasping and crying harder than he ever had. But he figured that made sense, considering he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved James. And Kendall was pretty sure that he never would.


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay, so this chapter took longer than I wanted and it isn't AS exciting as I would have liked. But SO MUCH SHIT is gonna go down in the next chapter, you don't even know. Seriously, it's gonna be intense. I hope you guys are liking my fic! I anticipate maybe 3 more chapters after this one and then it'll be over!**

**But anyways, READ. NOW. Oh and review.**

James spent a great deal of time over the next week cuddled up on the couch next to Mrs. Knight. He watched mindless TV shows with her: Young and the Restless, Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls. Somehow being with Mrs. Knight made James feel safe. She smelled like cocoa butter and let him rest his head on her lap and massaged his scalp.

James called Kendall every day and every time, his call was sent straight to voicemail. It was hurting Logan and Carlos too; the only person Kendall answered his phone for was his mom.

James wasn't eating anything at all. Kendall had left four days before and James hadn't eaten since. Everyone was so busy trying to tend to James' emotional state and keep him stable that they didn't even think about his eating. Which was a huge relief.

One day Jo came by and James was pissed because Kendall was _his_ now. He had been cozy on the couch in a nest of blankets next to Mrs. Knight and was already annoyed at whoever had come to the door and disturbed them. He glanced up as Mrs. Knight opened the door, and there was Jo, holding a little gift bag.

"Oh, sweetheart, Kendall's not here right now," Mrs. Knight said, letting Jo in anyway.

"I know," she smiled weakly. "I'm here to see James. Would it be okay if I talked to him?"

"Of course." And Mrs. Knight led Jo into the TV room. James wasn't happy.

"Hi," Jo said softly, siting down beside James and holding the gift bag in her lap.

"Hi."

"I know you're not feeling well and I won't stay long, I promise. I was just wondering if you needed to talk to someone. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener."

"There isn't much to talk about," James said, and okay, that was the lie of the century.

"Kendall has a really bad temper," Jo said sympathetically, and James' jaw went slack. Because, really, dis bitch. "When he loves someone, he..._ really_ loves them." Jo put a hand on James' arm. "And nothing about you guys has been leaked, don't worry. Carlos just mentioned that something happened with you and Kendall, vaguely of course, and I thought I'd visit you. I don't know what happened between you two, but Kendall really cares about you, James."

"That's the problem," he whispered. Jo handed James the little gift bag and he stared at it blankly.

"Open it!" she laughed and James pulled out the tissue paper and looked inside. A goofy smile spread across his face.

"Better wear your 'Cuda," he said quietly. Jo beamed and was pleasantly surprised when James hugged her.

"You and Kendall will make up. I know it. But I guess I should leave you alone now." She stood and nodded her goodbye and James was shocked at how nice this girl was.

On the fifth day without Kendall, James finally decided that he had to eat something. He had such bad stomach pains that he could barely stand up, so he tried shouting for Carlos or Logan. The problem was that his voice was completely strained. So he picked up his phone and called Carlos. His friend picked up on the first ring.

"Yeah?"

"Hi," James rasped.

"James, are you okay? Where are you?"

"On the couch." Before he could say another word, Carlos was at his side.

"What do you need?"

"I'm hungry..."

"Let me get you something to eat!" Carlos jumped up without a moment's hesitation and rummaged through the kitchen and James was already regretting asking.

Carlos brought in a heaping bowl of leftover mac and cheese and James vaguely wondered why the guys were always feeding him macaroni. He put the bowl in James' lap and stared intently at him.

"What?" James asked, annoyance evident in his voice.

"Nothing," Carlos said sheepishly. He tore his gaze away from James and focused on the floor. James felt a bit guilty and brought a big spoonful to his mouth.

"Thanks," he said. Carlos smiled and patted his friend on the back. "You gonna be okay? I''m just doing some laundry in there." The word laundry struck a nerve for James and he suppressed a frown.

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'm right down the hall, you give me a call if you need me." Carlos smiled and James tried his best to smile back. Carlos left the room and James stared at the bowl of mac and cheese, knowing that he had to eat.

* * *

><p>Kendall knew how lame it was to stay in a motel by himself for a week. There were definitely good reasons, though. His friends at the Palmwoods could not find out what happened with James, it would absolutely ruin his career, not to mention his life. That was a bit melodramatic, but still.<p>

Kendall started getting bored of the confinement of the uncomfortable bed in the dark motel room. He'd purchased his weight in Gatorade and potato flakes before finally settling at the motel, and apparently his stomach was _seriously_ pissed about that decision. Kendall hadn't been out of the room once; had hardly dragged himself out of bed to take the occasional shower. It was really time he had an outing.

The second he opened the door to leave, Kendall was practically blinded by the sun. It had been almost a week since he'd seen really any form of light and Kendall had to steady himself and wait a good five minutes before getting in the car and trying to drive. There was a pair of sunglasses in the glove box anyways, which would also give him some form of disguise, even if it was a flimsy one.

Traffic was pretty light and although it was ten in the morning, the sun was hot as ever. Kendall had become so disoriented in the past week that he had absolutely no idea what day of the week it was. Finally deciding that the Starbucks closest to the motel was his best bet, he mindlessly drove there and pulled into the parking lot. Kendall eventually realized that he had been sitting with his car running, parked at Starbucks, just staring straight ahead for the past ten minutes. He pulled down the mirror from the ceiling above him in the car and was horrified by what he saw.

Who was this greasy neanderthal and what the hell had he done with Kendall? The normally smooth, dirty blonde locks were oily and unkempt and plastered to his forehead. And okay, Kendall knew he was pale, but this was ridiculous. His skin was absolutely pasty, which made the new already-distinct bags under his eyes appear even gloomier. Looking in the mirror reminded him of two things he should have done days ago: shower and shave. But when Kendall really thought about it, he didn't give a damn. There was absolutely nobody in the world that he wanted to impress. Nobody in the world mattered. Kendall pushed the sunglasses onto his face and stepped out of the car.

The Starbucks wasn't empty, to Kendall's dismay, but it wasn't busy either. Kendall acted as nonchalant as he possibly could and headed straight for the counter. Surprisingly, there was no line.

"What can I get for you?" a pretty young blonde girl asked. She had a flirty smile on her face that was pissing Kendall off.

"A coffee."

"A coffee?" She leaned closer. "What kind?"

"Just coffee." Kendall was stone-faced and frowning, hoping that this girl would take the hint that he wasn't in the mood to talk.

"Just plain coffee? No flavoring? Any creamer?"

"Just coffee."

"What size?" the girl asked, clearly becoming discouraged.

"The smallest."

"So a tall _coffee_..." she giggled. "Name?"

"James," Kendall answered without missing a beat, and he felt a pang of pain in his chest. There was no falling out of love. It just didn't happen. And Kendall was figuring that out the hard way.

The girl wrote the name on a plastic cup and said, "Okay, that'll be right up for you!" Kendall turned and sat at the table nearest to the counter and slumped down in the chair. He absentmindedly picked up his phone and read through the texts the guys had sent him, mostly desperate ones pleading for him to come home. Kendall wrote out a quick text to Logan and felt his phone vibrate almost immediately after he sent it. He squinted at his phone and read their brief interaction.

_Sent: hey logan staying nearby, love u bro_

_Logan: Kendall where are you, can I call you?_

In the back of his mind Kendall became conscious of a flinty female voice calling, "James, your coffee!" Apparently this James guy didn't hear the girl's shouting and still hadn't come to pick up his drink because she continued calling out for him. Hearing the name over and over was really starting to piss Kendall off until he finally looked around the Starbucks, searching for this "James" with an intense scowl. While glancing around Kendall made eye contact with the girl at the counter and she caught his attention.

"James? Your coffee's ready," she said with a slightly confused smile, and Kendall finally remembered that he was, in fact, "James".

"Oh, okay," he sighed and stood up to grab the coffee. Kendall had just sat back down at the table when his phone started buzzing, and he jumped and spilled a bit of coffee on his hand. "Fuck," he growled, shaking his hand a bit and finally looking at his phone. Logan.

"Hello?"

"I can't believe this. You actually answered!"

"Logan, what do you need?" Kendall asked, trying to sound as calm as possible. He took off his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes.

"I want to talk to you. Obviously. I haven't heard from you all week, it's really scaring me. What happened?" Logan's voice became more shrill with each syllable.

"What do you mean, 'what happened'?"

"Between you and James. He won't talk about it. I don't think he can, he... we can't even say your name in front of him. We have to keep him distracted to keep him from bawling his eyes out. God, Kendall... just tell me, okay?"

"He isn't sick."

"Well yeah, he got over his stomach flu a while ago. But why are you guys-"

"He was never sick." Kendall had an eerie edge to his voice that gave Logan a really weird feeling.

"What are you talking about?" Logan questioned.

"He was using an Emetic."

There was a silence on the other end until Logan finally hissed, "_Are you fucking serious?_"

"I have never been so pissed off in my life. I can't handle this, Logan..." Kendall started tearing up and had to stop for a moment to breath.

"Where are you?"

"W-Why?"

"I can be there as soon as you need me. Just tell me where you are," Logan said calmly, soothingly.

"You're gonna bring James or something... you guys are always trying to play referee."

"I'm not going to bring James," he said firmly and Kendall knew that he could be trusted.

"I'm at the Starbucks on '39th."

"See you in five." Logan hung up before Kendall could blink an eye.

* * *

><p>When Logan walked into the Starbucks Kendall felt nervous and kind of exposed for some reason. He kept his head down until Logan came over to the table and sat down. Kendall could feel his friend's eyes on him but he couldn't bring himself to look up. Logan didn't press it, thank God.<p>

Kendall's hands were resting on the table and shaking violently and Logan gently took them in his. "People are going to see us," Kendall whispered.

"They won't," Logan said as if it was fact. Kendall finally looked up and locked gazes with him and the two stared at each other for a while. "What have you been doing?"

"Staying in a motel." Kendall shrugged.

"That's it?" Logan asked. "According to our friends at the Palmwoods, you haven't been hanging with any of them either. So you've just been by yourself?"

"Something wrong with that?"

"Kendall, you know I'm not trying to put you down. I'm just shocked that you haven't gone insane from being isolated for so long."

"You didn't talk to James about what I told you, did you?" Kendall asked suddenly.

"No," Logan said, causing his friend to sigh in relief.

"Good. Just... don't," Kendall said, and when Logan looked puzzled, continued, "He doesn't want help. We keep trying to help him, but he doesn't want to get better. So it's no use any longer. Only he can save himself."

Logan nodded. "You're right. That's pretty insightful of you. So you haven't, uh, talked to James at all?" Kendall gave Logan a death glare that shut him up pretty fast. "Right. Sorry."

"No, don't apologize. I guess I'm just really touchy about the whole thing because I love him. I fucking hate it because he just won't _let_ me love him."

"I wish I knew exactly what to tell you," Logan said and sighed defeatedly.

"No, don't say that. It's enough that you came here. To see how I'm doing." Kendall offered a small smile. "So, um... you said James is taking the whole thing pretty hard?" He hated to admit it to himself, but he cared. He wanted to know that James loved him and was affected by this too, if even just a little.

"Oh God," Logan ran a hand through his hair and puffed out a breath, "He won't get up from the couch. Which is pretty annoying considering it's in the family room and none of us can play video games or interrupt James' favorite TV shows." Kendall laughed. "No! It's not funny!" Logan exclaimed. "You have no idea how bad it is. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but... okay, don't tell James you know. But he's been wearing your pajamas, the same pair for a week. He won't take them off. He hardly showers, either."

"Are.. you serious?" Kendall blinked at Logan, who nodded with a stern expression.

"He's hurting. And he hasn't moved on. Assuming that's what you wanted to know?" Logan raised an eyebrow and Kendall blushed.

"I guess."

"Yeah, well... maybe you should come home soon. It's really weird without you."

"Is Gustavo really pissed at me for being gone?" Kendall asked.

"Surprisingly, he gave us a couple of weeks off. Griffin hasn't given him any orders so he went vacationing in Tahiti."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "Wow."

"Yeah."

After a silence set in Kendall said, "Listen, Logan, don't think I'm trying to get rid of you, I just kind of need time to myself lately."

"It's fine," Logan smiled. "I understand. Just please come home soon. And maybe give James a call?"

"Maybe."


	12. Chapter 12

**Are you seeing how fast I updating this? I just couldn't resist though, you guys will see why when you read this chapter. So start reading. RIGHT NOW.**

**Oh, and thank you guys so much for the reviews! They really mean so much. Keep them coming ;)**

_Cont. from Ch. 11.._

"Okay. I'm right down the hall, you give me a call if you need me." Carlos smiled and James tried his best to smile back. Carlos left the room and James stared at the bowl of mac and cheese, knowing that he had to eat.

He let out a quivering sigh and finally started eating. One spoonful at a time, James kept telling himself. Even he could admit that this was getting ridiculous. This disorder, this... this _thing_ had completely overtaken his life. It was affecting his career, his hobbies, his friendships, and most of all, his relationship with Kendall. The most important person in his life. Plus, for some bizarre, unknown reason Kendall loved him for who he was and was more than okay with the way James looked. Well, had loved him.

James wanted his life back. And the first step was to make himself do the impossible: eat without purging.

Each spoonful added to the anxiety James felt. This was extremely new to him. Eating without planning on throwing up afterward. But he had a new motivation and drive to beat this.

After an extremely difficult battle with the bowl and spoon, James was finished. He sat wide-eyed for a few moments and desperately tried to calm his nerves. He had to do this. This was for his own good. He had a sick feeling in his stomach and figured that it was just anxiety. However, when James stood to put the bowl in the dishwasher his nausea became dizzying and he had a sheen of cold sweat across his forehead. James rushed to the bathroom and with absolutely no assistance from a toothbrush or even a finger, James heaved the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Automatically.

James clutched the toilet bowl and spit a few times, then slowly leaned back against the wall. What the fuck had just happened to him? James had wanted to keep the food down. He didn't induce this.

A chill ran down his spine and a horrible sinking feeling settled in the pit of James' stomach when he remembered what Kendall had told him not even two weeks before:_ When a bulimic throws up enough times their body starts bringing back up everything they eat._

There was no fucking way this was happening. James' breathing became labored and he was panicking. How was he going to ask for help? Who would he even ask? The guys would freak out. And maybe they wouldn't even want to help them this time, after everything that had happened. Plus, maybe Kendall had told them about the Emetic. James couldn't tell the guys, that was a chance he didn't have the strength to take.

Well, CVS had gotten him into this mess. It was going to get him out of it, dammit. There had to be something for this, with all the aisles of medication there.

The next twenty minutes were a blur of car keys, traffic lights and road rage. After nearly getting in a car accident, twice, James was at the CVS.

Just like the time he'd gone in the get the Emetic, a little bell rang, but it didn't sound quite as loud to him this time. He walked as fast as he could to the aisle where Matthew the cashier had found the Emetic for him and began scouring the shelves. Pepto? No, that was just for heartburn and shit. There were medications to help calm the stomach, but nothing that seemed like it would do anything for James' problem.

"Need help again?"

James practically jumped out of his skin and whirled around to find Matthew standing behind him. "H-Hi." He stood up, eyes still huge and hands shaking. Matthew frowned and took a step closer.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I..." James felt tears brimming in his eyes and couldn't handle the shame of breaking down in front of somebody. He turned abruptly and started to walk away when a gentle hand took hold of his wrist.

"Hey, James, what's wrong? I want to help." James turned back around slowly, meeting Matthew's eyes.

"I don't know who to turn to," James whispered. A few tears spilled down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand. Matthew seemed to be thinking for a moment and then he bounded toward the register. James was shocked and more than a little hurt at having been left abruptly. But then he heard Matthew tell some middle-aged balding guy who was working the register that he had been informed of a family emergency and had to leave. He went to one of the registers and clocked out quickly. Matthew gazed in James' direction and gave James a sneaky smile and a nod before leaving through the automatic doors. James took this as his cue to follow.

"Are you sure it was okay to leave work?" James asked as he joined Matthew outside. The blond cashier was already taking off his regulation red vest and heading toward his car.

"Positive. Hop in, okay?"

James was a bit wary of just "hopping in" a car with some handsome CVS Pharmacy worker that he didn't even know, but he really needed someone and desperate times called for desperate measures, right?

James slipped into the passenger seat of Matthew's car and awkwardly placed his hands in his lap. Not too short after Matthew was sitting down in the driver's seat and shutting the door. Matthew gazed at James in understanding and took his hand. "Tell me what's wrong?"

"I fucked up, I..." James shook his head. "I lied to Kendall and fucked everything up and I just love him so much. What do I do?"

"I don't want to pry. You don't have to tell me exactly what happened. But I know that love doesn't just stop." Matthew stroked James' hand a bit and then pulled away to put the car in drive.

"Wait, my car's still here. And where are we going?" James sounded a bit paranoid and Matthew smiled gently.

"We'll come back for it. I just want to take you to get a smoothie, we can talk more. And maybe make you feel a little better. That okay?"

James nodded and Matthew slowly pulled out of the parking lot. The drive was quiet but James was glad that Matthew wasn't making pointless small talk just for the purpose of it. He kind of liked the quiet. Also, Matthew smelled like peppermint and 'Cuda. That was definitely a plus.

Matthew pulled into the parking lot of a little smoothie shack James and the guys went to a lot and although it reminded him of Kendall, it was likely that he and Matthew would be talking about the fight with Kendall anyways. They stepped inside and Matthew led James up to the counter. A peppy girl appeared and asked to take their order.

"What flavor?" Matthew asked.

"Strawberry banana," James said timidly, and Matthew smiled and ordered two, paying for both of them.

They stepped outside with their smoothies and sat down at a little table.

"So. What happened between the two of you?"

"I have a problem. I don't want to go in depth because talking about it is really fucking scary and embarrassing, but just know that it's not good. And it's hurting my friends too because they obviously care about me. Especially Kendall. I keep hurting him and I swear I don't mean to, he's absolutely everything to me..." James' voice broke. He was shocked at how much he had said and was a little worried about any of this getting out.

But Matthew nodded understandingly and said, "There's no way Kendall doesn't know how lucky he is to have you. I don't know him, but you really love him a lot so he's gotta be amazing, right?" He smiled.

"He's not lucky to have me. He is amazing though, so amazing..."

"Have you guys talked about it at all?" Matthew asked, finally taking a sip of his smoothie. James followed suit, forgetting what had happened earlier after he had eaten.

"He won't talk to me. I don't blame him. But I wish he would just give me a chance to explain myself, you know? He won't answer my calls. And he's been gone for a week."

"Where'd he go?"

"I don't know, but I'm terrified that he'll find somebody else. Somebody that won't piss him off and break his heart over and over like I've been doing." James sniffled and bit his tongue to keep from breaking down.

"Obviously he cares a lot if he was that upset. Right?" Matthew said, and maybe he had a point.

"I think he still loves me. I really hope." James was already practically finished with the smoothie, and became horrified when a sick, nauseous feeling set in the pit of his stomach. Fuck, was he going to throw up again?

"Are you okay?" Matthew asked. "You look a little sick. Want me to take you home?"

"I don't know..." James' head was swimming and before he knew it, he was heaving the contents of his stomach onto the pavement beside the table.

"James!" Matthew jumped out of his seat and caught James just as he blacked out and slipped from the chair.

* * *

><p>A few days after talking to Logan, Kendall was still staying in the dingy little motel room. However, he was going to the Starbucks everyday to get a little pick-me-up and stay sane.<p>

At the moment he was sipping his_ just_ coffee at a table in the corner and mindlessly reading TIME magazine. As much as he wished they could, the articles didn't distract him from thinking about James. He loved James so much, but sometimes love just wasn't enough. Kendall had never felt so torn in his life. He was positive that he couldn't live without James, but at the same time, how could he continue to live with him?

Kendall broke from his thoughts when he heard a startling conversation going on between two teenage girls sitting near him.

"Did you hear what happened to James Diamond from BTR?" A dark-haired girl asked her pudgy friend, who gasped and leaned closer.

"No, what?"

"Well apparently he has a really bad eating disorder... like, terrible. And yesterday he had to go to the emergency room because he, like, passed out and was throwing up and shit."

"Oh my God, that's horrible!" The pudgy girl cried and Kendall was on the edge of his seat, gripping his coffee so had that it began spilling over the edges. But he couldn't feel the burn of the scalding hot coffee. He couldn't focus on anything but the conversation.

"Yeah. I don't know what's gonna happen to him, but I guess this is really serious. I'm worried that there's a chance he could die, you know? Because not everyone knows this, but bulimia can kill people."

Kendall stood up so fast that the chair fell and he spilled his coffee all over himself. He was out the door and turning on his phone to call the guys, the girl's words _"bulimia can kill people"_ running through his mind over and over. He got into the car and started driving, not even knowing where he was going, and dialed Logan's number. Logan picked up on the first ring and immediately starting talking a mile a minute.

"Kendall, we've been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday. Come to St. Vincent right now. As fast as you can fucking get here."

"I'm on my way right now. Fuck. How the fuck did this happen? How did I let this happen?" Kendall was driving so reckless that drivers were honking at him left and right, but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered but getting to the hospital and seeing James.


	13. Chapter 13

**So this is a late update. I'm sorry, I've been in kind of a slump lately. But I really like this chapter and I hope you guys will too. There'll be just one more chapter after this one. Thank you all for your reviews, they mean so much :)**

"Diamond. I need to see James Diamond," Kendall demanded of the receptionist in the hospital, who muttered something that sounded like 'just a moment' and began typing away at her keyboard. Kendall rolled his eyes and pounded his fist on the counter in frustration.

"Kendall?" came a strong voice from behind him, and he turned to find its source; a tan blond guy who looked to be about twenty, with an undeniably handsome face.

"Um, yeah?" Kendall questioned.

"I'm a friend of James'. That lady's obviously... distracted," he jerked his thumb in the direction of the receptionist, "but I can take you to him."

"Thanks," Kendall sighed. "How is he? I mean, what's going on?"

"Well, he's conscious." The stranger led Kendall into an elevator and clicked the button for the 4th floor. The doors shut and Kendall slumped against the wall, his eyes fluttering shut. "Because his stomach is so used to bringing up everything he eats, it's started to do that automatically. I don't know too much about it, to be honest. But they have him hooked up to IVs to keep him hydrated."

"I can't believe I let this happen. I'm stupid. I'm _so_ stupid. I just left him. He needed me more than ever and I just... I held onto my pride and left."

"Kendall, this must be hard for both of you," the stranger said sympathetically. His chocolate brown eyes held an understanding of the situation that somehow comforted Kendall. "Don't blame yourself. You tried your absolute best."

"It obviously wasn't good enough though, he ended up in the ER. Oh God, what am I gonna do..."

The elevator reached the 4th floor and the doors opened. Kendall's heart was beating a mile a minute and he was sick with worry. James, his James, was possibly in critical condition. And it was all Kendall's fault. He did his best to shove his thoughts aside while following the stranger down the hallway, the two of them practically running.

They stopped in a small waiting room where a few people were sitting anxiously. Some were reading magazines or watching the news, trying to distract themselves from the real reason they were there.

The room smelled so strongly of cleaning products, Kendall almost had to plug his nose. The odor was making him sick to his stomach and all he wanted was to just see James, kiss him and tell him that everything would be okay, that he wasn't mad anymore. He wanted to ease James' pain and somehow fix everything.

Suddenly Logan burst out of a door down the short hallway and ran toward Kendall. Logan wasn't really one for physical contact, but he pulled Kendall into a tight hug.

"Are you okay?" he asked after drawing away.

"I will be," Kendall answered. "Take me to James, please. I need to see James."

"Of course."

Kendall started to follow Logan, but stopped and turned toward the stranger. "You coming too?"

"Nah, I'll give you guys some alone time," he answered with a smile.

"Thanks," Kendall said, and then added, "You've been awesome, I didn't catch your name?"

"Oh, sorry, I never did introduce myself!" The stranger looked Kendall in the eyes and said, "I'm Matthew."

In that moment Kendall's heart stopped. This was him. The guy with his phone number on the receipt, with the fucking heart scribbled next to it. Kendall was shaking and a prominent vein pulsed in his forehead. He took a step forward and growled, "What the fuck are you doing here."

Matthew looked taken aback and managed a small, "W-What?"

Kendall bounded toward the flawless golden-haired guy with full intention to rip his fucking head off. "You heard me. Now you have ten seconds to explain before I decide what to do with you."

"James came to CVS, w-where I work, he felt sick. I took him to get a smoothie and he started throwing up, I called an ambulance..." Matthew was obviously confused and more than a little scared, his voice shaking slightly.

"After a month of trying to get James to see a doctor, a whole Goddamn month, he lets some Ken doll with good hair and a spray tan take him to the hospital, no problem."

"Kendall, we were talking about _you_. He was-"

"Oh, awesome! Now James is stabbing me in the back?" Kendall's and Matthew's faces were inches apart and Kendall vaguely heard Logan begging him to stop, to just listen to Matthew.

"No, it's not like that! He loves you!"

"Bull-fucking-_shit_ he loves me! You know what? I'm done listening to you talk. You make me sick." Kendall's vision was clouded with rage and he felt himself balling his hand into a fist, pulling his arm back and swinging at Matthew's chiseled jaw. He was shocked when he felt Logan's soft palm block Kendall's punch and before he knew what was happening, Logan was dragging him down the hall and away from Matthew.

"Let me go!" Kendall yelled, and Logan immediately shushed him. In the back of Kendall's mind he realized that they were directly outside James' room, hearing Carlos and his mother talking quietly.

"Would you calm down?"

"Why!" Kendall shot back, tears in his eyes. "James doesn't love me! I put everything into our relationship. I love him so much that it hurts. I have nothing to live for without him..." He paused for a minute to steady his breathing. "I want to leave. I can't handle this."

"Kendall." Logan put his hands on his friend's shoulders and waited for him to calm down a bit before continuing: "James has been asking for you this entire time. He won't let any of us touch him. Especially Matthew." Logan watched Kendall carefully, the blond looking guarded but hopeful. "You're all he's asked for. Please believe me, Kendall."

"I don't know." A single tear rolled down Kendall's cheek and he glanced into the room, the layout only allowing him to see Carlos, his mom, and James' feet at the foot of the bed. "I just-"

Kendall was cut off by the sound of James whimpering, "When's Kendall going to get here?" Logan gave an exaggerated gesture toward the door as if to say, _see?_

"I don't know, honey," Mrs. Knight answered. "We're trying to get ahold of him, okay?" Kendall continued listening, dumbstruck.

"I need Kendall."

"James, please don't get yourself worked up," Carlos pleaded.

"No!" James choked out, crying softly. "I haven't seen him in," sniffle, "a week and a half and I love him, I love him so much and I need him."

That was all Kendall needed to hear. He took three large steps into the room and looked James in the eye for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "I love you too."

James looked more pale than Kendall had ever seen him, save for when he "lost his swagger" to Logan. His hair was limp and clung to his forehead, the once-shining hazel eyes looking dead. There was an IV attached to the boy's thin arm, which was hanging limply off the bed. But James was still beautiful, no less beautiful than he had always been. Kendall bounded toward James and took his face in his hands, about to pull him into a kiss, before he remembered something.

"Uh, Mom? Carlos?" Kendall asked awkwardly. Mrs. Knight and Carlos quickly got up and respectfully left the two alone together.

"Kendall," James whispered, in absolute awe. "You're... you're here?"

"I've always been here, baby. I can't live without you. I learned that this week."

Kendall was leaning over James, just holding his boyfriend's face, his breathing shallow against the other's lips. James' eyes locked with Kendall's and he couldn't seem to look away.

"I learned something else," Kendall said quietly, pausing for a moment and then continuing, "I will always keep coming back. N-No matter what, James, you hear? You can push me away and... and no matter how hard it gets, I'll never leave. I won't."

James was bawling quietly, the two boys' foreheads touching, and clutching Kendall's shirt. "I love you so much. I'm so fucked up... thank you, Kendall. Thank you for loving me when..." he took a few deep breaths, "when I hated myself the most."

"We will get through this. We will."

"I'm going to get help." James nodded repeatedly, his wide eyes holding an honesty like never before. "I'll do whatever it takes. I want to love you right. I want to be able to do this right, Kendall." Kendall finally pulled James in for a kiss.

It was the most passionate, adrenaline-provoking kiss the two had ever shared. James literally saw stars and gripped onto Kendall for dear life, Kendall holding James just as tightly.

Kendall sat on the edge of bed for a while whispering soothing words to James and stroking his hair to relax him a bit. The two were completely blissed out, feeling at peace for the first time in weeks.

* * *

><p>"He's developed an irregular heartbeat," a man, Dr. Benson, told the group of them. Mrs. Knight, Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Matthew were all camped out in James' little room.<p>

"That's why he fainted, right?" Carlos asked.

"That, and his severe dehydration. Both are side effects of Bulimia nervosa. James' esophagus has been severely damaged and because of how frequently he was inducing vomiting, it became his body's immediate response after eating."

"How long will he take to recover?" Kendall asked. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, squeezing James' hand.

"Well, we estimate one to two weeks here at St. Vincent's, and then at least one month in a treatment center. Simply bringing him back up to a healthy weight won't cure the disorder. He needs psychotherapy, a carefully monitored diet, cognitive exercises..." Dr. Benson explained.

"A month?" Kendall's face fell and although he knew James needed the treatment, it still upset him to think about spending so much time apart from him.

"Maybe longer. And he'll continue to see a psychologist and dietitian weekly for at least three months after coming back home."

"I feel terrible," Logan groaned. "Why didn't I tell somebody about this?"

"It's all our faults," Carlos said softly.

"Mostly mine." Kendall's jaw went slack.

Dr. Benson looked at the boys sympathetically. "We all like to think that we can handle problems on our own. Sometimes we just need to accept that we do need help." He smiled. "Any more questions?"

"How much weight do I have to gain?" James asked.

"That's something you'll have to discuss with a dietitian. Most likely at the treatment center."

"We've already made arrangements for you at a clinic, James," Mrs. Knight said, and James sighed heavily.

"Thank you."

Dr. Benson gathered his laptop and clipboard and left the room, and there was a long silence. It was as if they were all afraid to be the first one to speak. Everything seemed so incredibly fragile.

Finally Carlos broke the silence. "We'll visit you everyday, James. And text you and stuff."

"Gustavo's gonna be so pissed," James whined.

"Don't worry about him," Kendall said forcefully. "It's not like we have a tour coming up. Plus, I've already called Kelly and explained to her. She'll keep Gustavo in line."

Logan shook his head. "Gustavo and Kelly are so doing it." This seemed to lighten the mood and soon they started chatting lightly, telling James that he would be okay, that everything would be okay.

"Kendall?" Matthew said from behind he and James, and Kendall turned to look at him. "I just wanted to say sorry. For everything. But just know that James didn't cheat. I was pursuing him, not the other way around."

"I know," Kendall said thoughtfully. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

Kendall believed in James now more than ever. James was his soldier, and as much as he had leaned on Kendall over the past few months, James was his hero. Kendall had faith in James.


	14. Chapter 14

**So this is the last chapter. Before you start reading, I'd just like to thank everybody who's stayed with my fic since January (woah) and read every chapter. The positive feedback means so much, you guys will probably never even know. I've definitely expressed myself through this, especially because this year has been especially hard, depression-wise. I carried a composition book with me to all my classes so I could write this whenever there was a spare moment. ^_^**

**I hope you guys liked reading this as much as I loved writing it.**

**One more thing: I do not own "Cover Girl"**

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><p>This was it: the day James was coming home. The moment everybody in 2J, especially Kendall, had been waiting for for the past two months, 3 weeks and four days. They had all cleaned the apartment until it sparkled and filled James' side of the bedroom with all of his favorite things. There were countless 'Cuda products by the mirror, a brand-new fluffy comforter on the bed, and a stack of unopened video games by the television.<p>

Kendall had gone a bit further than the others, though. He had a planned the most perfect coming home gift for James and couldn't wait to share it with him. Sure, he'd visited James at least five times a week... every week that James had been gone... but that didn't matter. All that mattered was Kendall's boyfriend being back home with him, back in their bedroom, and things being normal again. Kendall didn't want to admit to himself that that was definitely just wishful thinking. Things could never go back to normal. But maybe James and Kendall could move forward together and create a new normal. Kendall liked the sound of that too.

Although all the guys had wanted to drive to the clinic and pick James up together, the doctors and therapists had made it clear that only a small group was welcome at any given time, so as not to overwhelm James or any of the other patients. Mrs. Knight picked James up and helped him load his suitcases and belongings into the car. He was completely unable to sit still on the ride home, staring out the window for landmarks that would help him estimate how much longer the car ride would be.

When Mrs. Knight pulled into the parking lot of the Palmwoods, James tore open the door and was in the hotel before she had even parked the car. He'd even left his suitcase in the trunk, but Mrs. Knight couldn't complain, not when James was this happy.

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><p>"When do you think they'll get here?" Carlos asked for what was probably the thirtieth time.<p>

"I don't know, Carlos," Logan growled. Of course he was just as eager to see James as the other two guys were; it was just tiresome hearing Carlos whine like a kid.

"Mom hasn't texted me back," Katie piped in.

Logan and Carlos frowned and continued pacing around the living room.

After a few moments of silence Logan stopped in his tracks. "Anyone seen Kendall? I mean, you would think he'd be the most excited out of all of us."

"Oh, he's in his room," Carlos answered without a moment's hesitation. "He said for us not to go in there."

Logan made a face and was about to object when the front door to apartment 2J opened.

There, in the doorway, was James Diamond. A healthy James Diamond. The same boy who Logan, Carlos, and Kendall had befriended back when they were all kids; the same boy who played on their Peewee hockey team and scored the winning goal in the last game of the season. He was the same James that they'd always known and loved. And now, after months of struggling and fighting with himself, he was healthy.

"James."

It wasn't too easy to determine who reached him first, but Logan, Carlos, and even Katie bolted toward James before he could blink an eye. James was dragged to the floor by the three and attacked with hugs and "welcome home"s and, courtesy of Carlos, forehead kisses.

"Miss me?" James smiled, finally freeing himself from the heap and stepping to his feet along with Katie. He offered a hand to the guys and helped them up, and both were impressed by the amount of strength their friend had regained.

"Duh!" Carlos yelled giddily. "We can't wait to play video games with you, buddy! Oh, and..." he rushed into the TV room, James and Logan sharing confused glances, and came back with his helmet. "I've decided to let you wear this for the rest of the day. My gift to you."

James had to laugh. "Wow, thank you!" He slapped Carlos on the back and actually put the helmet on, patting it twice. "Hey, where's Kendall?"

"In his room, apparently?" Logan shrugged.

"I'm gonna go see what he's up to."

James hurried down the hallway toward his and Kendall's bedroom, wondering why the heck Kendall hadn't been there to greet him. He took off Carlos' helmet and stood outside their room for a few moments before finally opening the door. The aroma of vanilla flooded James' senses as he stepped into the bedroom.

All the lights were turned off save for the little lamp on the nightstand, but the room was anything but gloomy. There were tiny candles lit all around the room; that explained the scent of vanilla. And there, sitting at the foot of the bed, was Kendall.

He had his guitar in his lap, strap over his shoulder, all poised to start playing. And he was gazing at James with a look of such adoration, such total love and faith, that James' legs practically turned to jelly.

"Hi," Kendall said, eyes dancing with excitement.

"Hey," James whispered. The two stared at each other, neither feeling the need to move, just appreciating the familiar surroundings. But there were some additions to the room, James observed.

"Woah, you guys got me 'Cuda? And oh my God, is that Biohazard: Battle Blast 6? Dude, you have to promise me we're going to play this together."

Kendall smiled. "Of course."

"Thank you, thank you so much. You guys really didn't have to do this, being back home is a big enough gift, believe me." James finally moved toward the bed and sat down beside Kendall.

"Well, I kind of have... I wanted to, um..." Kendall shook his head in an attempt to "get it together", so to speak, and then continued, "Here goes nothing."

James watched as his boyfriend began strumming the guitar softly, skillful fingers dancing across the strings. And then Kendall looked up, gazed into James' eyes, and began to sing.

_"I don't know why you always get so insecure_

_I wish you could see what I see when you're looking in the mirror_

_And why won't you believe me when I say_

_That to me you get more beautiful, everyday..."_

James was at war here; whether to interrupt Kendall's singing and attack him with kisses, or to sit and allow his boyfriend to finish. He quickly decided that he wanted too badly to hear the rest of the song to cut it short. Kendall sounded so damn beautiful, looked it, too, and was so earnest in every word he sang.

_"When you're looking at the magazines_

_And thinking that you'll never measure up_

_You're wrong..._

_Cause you're my every, everything_

_I think you're a superstar, yeah you are_

_Why don't you know_

_Yeah, you're so pretty that it hurts_

_It's what's underneath your skin_

_The beauty that shines within_

_And when I'm with you I just wanna sing_

_My everything..._

_Oh, my everything."_

James felt tears welling up in his eyes but couldn't be bothered to wipe them away. He was mesmerized by Kendall's beauty and for the first time, he believed every word of praise. James rested a hand on Kendall's knee and rocked along with the soft sound of the guitar.

_"You walk in rainboots on a perfect summer day_

_Somehow you always see the dark side, when everything's okay_

_And you wear baggy clothes that camoflague your shape_

_Whoa, but you know that I love you just the way you're made..."_

James crawled behind Kendall and draped his arms around his neck. He laid his head on Kendall's shoulder and watched the beautiful, large hands move gracefully across the strings on the guitar.

_"When you're looking at the magazines_

_And thinking that you're just not good enough_

_You're so wrong, baby."  
><em>

The chorus came again, and James was in heaven. He found himself softly humming along to parts of the tune he'd picked up.

_"You've got a heart of gold, a perfect original_

_Wish you would stop being so hard on yourself for a while_

_And when I see that face_

_I'd try a thousand ways_

_I would do anything to make you smile..._

_Cause you're my every, everything_

_I think you're a superstar, yeah you are_

_Why don't you know_

_Yeah, you're so pretty that it hurts_

_It's what's underneath your skin_

_The beauty that shines within_

_And when I'm with you I just wanna sing_

_My everything._

_Oh woah, my everything."_  
><em><br>_

James pounced on Kendall the second he was done singing, both boys falling back on the bed with an "oomph". Kendall carefully removed the guitar strap and placed the guitar on the floor, then pulled James close, nuzzling into him. It was an awkward fumble, but still beautiful, giving both of them butterflies.

"I love you," Kendall whispered and pressed his lips to James' forehead. James was sniffling and looked awe-stricken. "What?" Kendall laughed.

"You."

"Me?"

"I don't even know how to put into words what I'm feeling. You make me want to like myself." James sniffled a few more times.

"My only wish is that someday you love yourself as much as I love you," Kendall said, voice quiet and sweet.

"Promise me something?" James asked softly, and Kendall squeezed him.

"Absolutely anything."

"Can you promise me that... that you'll be mine forever?" James bit his lip shyly and couldn't bring himself to meet the other's eyes. Kendall lifted James' chin gently and locked gazes with him, and there was such a light in Kendall's eyes, such pure love and excitement that his expression answered the question on its own.

But still Kendall said, "I was planning on that all along, James. I will always, _always_ be yours. Even if you don't want me. I'm still yours. Always."

"Thank you," James whispered. He looked at Kendall, a small smile playing at his lips. "You're going to have to record that song for me."

"Anything to make you happy," Kendall nodded.

"Gustavo's gonna want to put the word 'girl' in it somewhere, you know."

"I'm sure he'll figure something out..." Kendall shrugged.

James placed a light kiss to Kendall's nose, laughing softly, and then moved to his lips. Their kissing was achingly sweet and James was sure he'd never felt quite so comfortable and in his element before. Kendall moved his hands to his boyfriend's scalp and tugged at the brown locks softly, pulling him in further.

Kendall could physically feel the change in James' mental state; he seemed so much more at ease, and had definitely left behind the nervous edge he once had while being intimate. It was just the two of them in that moment, and literally nothing else mattered.

"I missed this," James murmured.

"Mmm, me too." Kendall pulled James into his lap and began kissing his neck.

James took over from that moment on. He stripped himself of the blue button-down he'd been wearing and began massaging Kendall's chest slowly. Kendall was at James' mercy, writhing a bit under his touch, and gasping every so often when James nipped his neck. James soon slipped Kendall's shirt over his head and kissed down his chest, to his stomach, and finally got down to the zipper on his jeans.

"I love seeing you like this," Kendall said

"Like... what?"

Kendall's eyes crinkled at the sides and he whispered, "Confident." James smiled from ear to ear and eagerly unbuttoned Kendall's jeans. Without a moment's hesitation, James pulled his boyfriend's hardened cock from the confines of his pants.

He had a dark, determined set to his eyes that made Kendall shiver as he murmured, "I want to taste every inch of you." And with that, James took Kendall in his mouth and slowly began bobbing his head. Kendall drew in a breath sharply and squeezed his eyes shut, hand going straight to James' hair and holding on for dear life.

James moved his lips up and down the shaft of Kendall's cock in a slow, passionate rhythm. He reached for his own erection and began pumping, never taking his mouth off of Kendall.

"J-James..." Kendall gasped as his grip on James' hair tightened, "Come here.. I want you-"

James was there in a second, positioning himself over Kendall and capturing his lips. The two kissed hotly and a bit desperately and soon Kendall and James had both shimmied out of their pants and boxers.

"James," Kendall breathed against James' mouth. There was a moment of beautiful silence as both calmed their heartbeats and breathed the same air, so close that their noses were touching, just staring into each other's eyes. "I want you to fuck me," Kendall whispered, and James didn't have to be asked twice. He positioned himself between Kendall's legs and gently spread them with his knee. Kendall was staring up at James, everything else in the world having disappeared, and watching as James stroked his own cock and few times before lining himself up with Kendall's entrance.

Slowly, but no less eager, James began to push forward. He waited for Kendall's approval to continue and then was soon rolling his hips and thrusting into Kendall hard. He kept a strong grip on Kendall's thighs while desperately trying to keep control of himself so he wouldn't cum too soon. James wanted this to last. He wanted it to be perfect.

"James," Kendall whimpered, "Harder. Please, harder." And that was it. James began pounding into Kendall with a new fury and soon he came in contact with the spot inside of Kendall that made him come undone. James was trying to keep it together, he really was, but Kendall was making it extremely difficult; he was making this face like he could cum at any second and breathing James' name continuously, looking even closer to losing it with each thrust.

"I'm so fucking close, so close..." Kendall whimpered, and at that moment, James couldn't hold himself off any longer.

"Kendall," James warned, "I-I'm gonna..." and he whimpered as he felt himself cum hard, releasing inside of Kendall, who let out a long whine and came soon after. James all but collapsed onto Kendall and the two gripped each other while desperately trying to catch their breath.

Finally Kendall found his voice and said, "You are so fucking beautiful," and James smiled.

"Thank you."

"You're... you're not going to argue with me?" Kendall questioned. He seemed a bit shocked and James laughed.

"No, I'll take your word for it." James winked and Kendall's heart swelled with happiness. This was all he had wanted all along; for James to be happy and to finally believe in himself.

Kendall and James would take on the world together, and if James ever forgot how beautiful and infinitely valuable he was, Kendall would always be right there to remind him.

**End.**

**Review and let me know what you thought of _A Diamond in a Rhinestone World._**

**And by the way... recognize Kendall's lyrics from anywhere? ;) See what I did there?!**

**Love, Vanessa. (Twinklover, XOXOXO)**


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